One long journey

EMDR - part two

2011-02-27T05:41:00.001-08:00

I started this as a reply to a comment on my last post and decided I may as well convert it to a post.

At this point, I am not going to include many details at this point, although I may in the future. At this point, I am still processing the sessions. The actual process for me is not what I imagined. I thought it would be more of an extended time of "free association" where you start with a target and stay with that for awhile. With this therapist, each "target" is for a minute. After the minute, you relate your images, feelings, body feelings, etc. and from that she picks a target for the next minute. That goes on 10-12 times. For example, after one interval I said something like "I don't want to go to bed" and that was my next target. After that it might have been "my body is so tense" and that would be the next target. And so on. Periodically, you go back to the initial scene/target to judge the intensity.

I'm not sure I have completely relaxed into it. I have not been able to use the eye tracking bar because my eyes are so dry that I have to blink a lot. I am using sound instead - the earphones are loose so I hear extraneous noises.

It is interesting that the continued shift of targets does lessen the intensity of the initial target during the session. Although, in my case, the intensity has gotten greater with the other associations.

There is a "grounding" exercise at the end of each session. It's funny - I am not into "woo woo" and tend to be a huge cynic about visualizing things and calming exercises. I realize this has probably been part of my hard protective shell. The grounding exercises are relaxing. Yesterday's session was intense and near the end when she asked where I went, I replied "I need my white light".

It's been an interesting experience. I haven't had new memories except perhaps sensations of something happening. It's also been interesting experiencing a second therapist. The EMDR T is much more direct and challenges what I say (outside of the EMDR part). My regular T is more reserved and less directly challenging. I'm realizing there is a place for both techniques.

Quick follow up to EMDR/Bill Zeller

2011-02-12T10:33:00.000-08:00

So I have been off the internet for a few weeks and had missed the story and posts about Bill Zeller. How how sad. I read his note in its entirety yesterday, and was struck that some of the phrases are nearly identical to some I've spoken to my T. I am struck by how similar the effects of early childhood abuse are across the board. The responses are different though and I also wonder about that. I have never considered self injury - what makes us different in that respect? Perhaps because my memories are few and the visions are fleeting? So so sad. It does make me hope that someday I can be an advocate for kids speaking out earlier. Without the feelings locked inside for 23 or 40 years.

EMDR - had the first session. It was disappointing. I felt like a failure. I'm not sure I was able to relax into it. The therapist wasn't disappointed though - she found my response "interesting" - something she has seen a few times, but not often. My present day response to EMDR was apparently paralleling my past. We will have another go at it at the end of the week. And I see my T between. I've been resisting the urge to call her to confess my failure.

One last thing - sometimes it is amazing to me how the littlest of comments can set off a tidal wave of thoughts. I was out last night with a friend and two of her friends. One was talking about the movie Blue Valentine. She made the comment - "She had an abusive childhood and wasn't really able to have a real relationship. You know - she couldn't get close to someone." Wow... when you're least expecting it, out of the blue it comes.

EMDR

2011-01-18T18:25:00.000-08:00

So - my T and I came to an agreement about this and she gave me the go ahead to call another T last week. Of course, I know I could have done this on my own without the blessing of my T. I mentioned this once and got a very defensive reaction from my T.

At any rate, I met with the EMDR doc last night for the first session. This was basically a session where I told her part of my story (not many details at this point). We talked about where I was in my talk therapy at this point. We talked a bit about what I wanted to accomplish with EMDR. This was easier to talk about than I thought it might be. The goals seem so broad - not like checklist items, but she seemed to think they were good ones.

So - I liked her. As we talked and as I processed things afterwards, I thought about why I liked her and compared some things to my current T. For one, she had more facial expressions - seemed less reserved. Second, she voiced some opinions or at least validations in a way I hadn't heard before. And she asked questions.

Now - I know this might not have been a "usual" therapy session. It was our first one and it was in preparation for use of a specific tool. She is the consultant not the primary T. I may ask her if she thinks her approach is different in this setting than in her "routine" therapy.

I think this will be tricky for me. I met with my T tonight - she didn't know about the appt because it came up unexpectantly due to a cancellation. I'm sure I was projecting some of my feelings on her, but there definitely seemed to be a change in her demeanor. I wonder if she will find it difficult to share my care. And it will be hard for me not to compare them - I just hope I don't say anything that my T finds insulting.

I also need to make a decision as to whether I want my T there for the actual EMDR sessions. At first I thought it would be important for her to be there and comforting for me. Now, I'm not so sure.

Christmas Eve ruminations - possibly triggering

2010-12-27T10:45:00.000-08:00

So I couldn't sleep on Christmas Eve - should have taken an Ambien. Thoughts swirling around - making haikus and other thoughts - should have gotten up to write them down in the fresh state. Jotted down what I could remember the next morning.

Night falls, listening,
Fearful, waiting, barely breathing
Darkness, take my hand.

Decades locked inside
Little girl, shamed to silence
Please come out to play.

How much time is needed
To heal the wounds
Of a life unlived?

Violation, pain
Hope stolen, innocence lost
Trauma scars the core

I'm thinking that I'm taking a new step in therapy - I actually want to talk about these with my T. I usually bristle when she brings up the previous haikus. Perhaps it is time to let the little girl out.

Blog recap

2010-12-27T05:48:00.000-08:00

I recently read all of my private online journal - searching for some dates to talk something over with T (actually more to prove a point). Yesterday I read the whole of this blog with comments - not that long as I'm not prolific. Interesting process to see where I've been and how many things get repeated over and over. I do think I've grown some over the years, but realize I have a long way to go before - what? Not sure if it's acceptance of who I am and where I've been. Realization that my past has shaped me into who I am today, but that with work, I can change my image of myself. Sometimes I wonder if I will be satisfied with a different outlook - do we become too comfortable with the person we are? Is change too scary?

Musings before the new year.

The Story

2010-12-02T06:28:00.001-08:00

So in order to battle some melancholy, I've started walking. This weekend "The Story" by Brandi Carlile came up in my random playlist. I've always liked this song and her raw voice. I've been dealing with some issues in the therapist relationship and the song made me think of my T and where I am in our relationship (I substituted "I depend on you" for "I was made for you").

All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been

And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything

When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true.... I depend on you

I climbed across the mountaintops

Swam all across the ocean blue

I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules

But I broke them all for you

Because even when I was flat broke

You made me feel like a million bucks

You do.....I depend on you

You see the smile that's on my mouth

It's hiding the words that don't come out

And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed

They don't know my head is a mess

No they don't know who I really am

And they don't know what I've been through

Like you do..... I depend on you

All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been

And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything

When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true.... I depend on you

Well maybe the second paragraph doesn't resonate so much in the T relationship, but the others certainly do. If I was more technologically competent, I could insert a youtube link to the song, but alas, I am not.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-17T05:13:00.000-08:00

This one will be different - the first one without my mother. It seems odd already. Also, the date of her birth is this Sunday. And we are having a graveside service on Wednesday to inter her ashes. Lots of triggers in a short period of time.

I think I am still angry for everything that happened that she didn't stop at the time and swept under the rug after the fact. Angry that I can't confront her with it anymore. And sad - for the fact that I wasn't mothered in so many ways.

But - I am doing OK :) Tried to talk about some of this in therapy last night, but it's tough to express the emotions. I'm pretty sure my therapist doesn't realize how deeply I feel some things because my outward demeanor is so controlled.

Goals

2010-09-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

Frequently the concept of goals comes up with my therapist. What am I hoping to accomplish with therapy? Is there something I want to change? Same questions with EMDR - what would I hope to accomplish? Remembering? Forgetting? I've always had a hard time with verbalizing what I want out of therapy - what would give me a sense of accomplishment? I've only come up with broad things - such as being able to trust more, have a greater sense of intimacy, an ability to feel "feelings" and to verbalize how I feel. These goals seem so nebulous and not quantifiable. So, I've been doing A LOT of thinking and trying to pay attention to what causes my heart to race or my stomach to clench. I've come up with a couple of specific things I would like to change -

1) I would like to be able to experience a disagreement or confrontation without spacing out and feeling ill. To realize that it is OK to get angry and to express anger and for others to do the same.

I've always kept everything inside. My daughter is the opposite - she's quick to react and quick to forget. I'm sure much healthier in the long run. But when she "loses" it - I can't deal with it. I feel physically ill. I realized last night at dinner (during such an event), that in my eventful childhood, I learned to check out to avoid the drama. And that's what I do now. I also internalize the drama of others. I "carry" my daughter's outbursts long after she has forgotten about them. My daughter finds it difficult to say she is sorry. Last night late into the evening, she kept coming to me with a question about this or that and I know it was her way of trying to make amends for her outburst at dinner. But I wasn't able to accept it - I was still cold and monosyllabic and pushing her away.

2) I would like to be able to experience physical touch, particularly intimate touch, without my abuse coming immediately to the forefront. Or if it does, to be able to recognize it and move out of it.

I'm actually proud that I've come up with something concrete. I'm not sure if the goals are reachable or what to do to reach them, but at least they are more specific.

Have others set specific goals for healing and/or therapy?

Book question

2010-08-31T08:09:00.000-07:00

Has anyone read books by Babette Rothschild (? spelling). One is The Body Remembers. I just purchased it (along with a couple of others).

Still in pursuit of making sense of all this by doing what I do best - reading.

Brief update

2010-08-31T08:03:00.000-07:00

So I don't think I have posted since my mother's death. The services went well. We still have to have a small service at the grave to inter her ashes.

I haven't felt grief yet - except a bit on the day we found her. I suppose that will be wrapped into ongoing therapy.

She was somewhere between a pack rat and hoarder, so cleaning out her house will be a job. So far, I've found a few things -

1- A handwritten document in her handwriting written in 1968 summarizing my visit to the ER. This was when she took me to document the abuse (to be used in her divorce proceedings). This visit is one of my few memories. The last line reads "have arranged for psychiatric care". I don't remember this at all - surely I would remember if I saw a therapist for any length of time? She was not educated and many words are misspelled, but the essence is there. The frustrating part is that this thin slip of aged paper was found midst old cards and letters, bills (new and old). I want to tear her house apart looking for more.

2- Pictures - of my abuser - some with me. Ugh.

Disbelief

2010-07-24T04:59:00.000-07:00

I haven't been online for a week or so. Last week was busy and this week -

my mother died unexpectantly.

She didn't answer her door, my brother and I were contacted. My daughter and I were out her way shopping - I was on vacation this week. So we stopped by her house to check since I have a key. My brother had called the police who arrived at the same time. They asked "do you want us to check the house"?. Of course not - she would be so embarrassed to have you find her in some compromised position (I think the latter). So I went first. And found her. Dead on the floor of her bedroom. Looks like she had fallen during the night - not sure if she hit her head or had internal bleeding.

Despite the fact that I've seen a lot of dead bodies in my job, seeing your mother in her house is a bit surreal. My daughter (16) was a real trooper.

The services are today. Afterwards I drive my daughter to camp (six hours away). Then I will start processing next week as I go back to work.

Going through pictures for the service has been interesting - I've come across a few of my abuser. Perhaps I will give them to my T to keep.

Memories

2010-07-07T05:31:00.000-07:00

I was talking with T about memories last night. I have very few specific memories of my abuse. Not surprising - I was young when it started. I've read that visual memories might be few due to abuse taking place in the dark. I've also read enough about memory to know that what I do remember as specific incidences could likely be amalgamations of different times.

We've talked about these 4 or 5 incidents more than once, although perhaps we haven't talked through all of the feelings.

I think it would be helpful to remember more, but I really don't see that happening. And for me, it's become easy for me to talk about the memories without feeling anything. It's hard when the story is repeated back to me - I feel it then.

I thought EMDR might be a place to access more of my memories and/or feelings - but that has been postponed for now.

Although I know I've accomplished things in therapy the last two years, it's amazing how the same things circle around over and over again.

Favorite Movie

2010-07-02T06:13:00.000-07:00

I have a hard time coming up with an all time favorite movie - it depends on the mood etc.

One favorite recently watched again with the kids is The Princess Bride. Also love the book. So many fun quotes - my 10 year old goes around saying "anybody want a peanut". Actually that gets old after awhile :) One quote that I repeat often "Life isn't fair, but it's fairer than death".

Although sappy - I've watched You've Got Mail more times than I should. Meg Ryan is this cute little thing (yea I'd like to look like that) and the books and the dog - I do get teary eyed when I watch that one every few years.

And Colin Firth - I would probably watch him in commercials.

One more post about feet

2010-06-30T07:14:00.000-07:00

Three posts in one day!

So one of my overwhelming thoughts during yesterday's session was -

How did she manage to paint her toenails with her dominant arm/hand in a cast?

Little Bee

2010-06-30T05:32:00.001-07:00

So this book is in the phase of being passed around for various book groups. I had read about it a few months ago, but just started it yesterday. There are some good quotes for survivors - here's one -

"I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived."

There are a few I've come across like that. Author is Chris Cleave. There are some scenes which will be triggering for some. Not me - I can read the bad stuff without feeling much. Perhaps that is something to work on in therapy - to regain the ability to cry at the sad things and be repulsed by the awful.

An Egg

2010-06-30T05:24:00.000-07:00

If I could draw - I would draw an egg with a splinter size crack that proceeds to a mesh of cracks with eventual shattering of the shell. That's what I thought about after therapy yesterday. The goal of my therapist (at least in my mind - she would say she has no goal - it's all about what I want) is to effect the first crack. But we all know what happens after you break an egg - you end up with a gooey mess.

And I've developed this thick shell for a reason - I'm trying to decide if there is a good reason to break it.

And whether I should call my T to let her know how I'm feeling - although I suspect she has a pretty good idea.

Worst job

2010-06-22T09:36:00.000-07:00

I've been out of the blogosphere over the weekend due to out of town guests - missed a few of the prompts - now I get to pick.

My worst job was the summer between first and second year of med school. I worked as a phlebotomist at a local plasma donation center - very depressing place - people came and gave blood for a paltry amount of money. There were about 10-15 of us from my class working there during the summer. Unfortunately, several of my classmates exuded superiority from every pore. This cast a bad light on all of us - you know the privileged and educated (yeah right - educated maybe, but certainly not privileged). I still remember the feeling I had when I couldn't "get" a hard stick one day and one of the full time workers had to help me. She was so full of scorn and derision that I, who was going to be a doctor, couldn't do this.

It was the first (and perhaps only) time I felt hated for what I was rather than who I am.

Greatest Fear

2010-06-17T06:37:00.000-07:00

I meant to post this yesterday.....

This one was an easy one. My greatest fear is that something terrible will happen to my children. By terrible, I don't mean getting cancer or having an accident (both terrible things). I mean the really horrible things - abducted, raped, murdered.

Makes me feel ill just to write it.

My superpower

2010-06-15T13:11:00.000-07:00

I can't say that I have a superpower. I mean, who does besides the superheroes? :)

I suppose I could answer this in the context of past abuse - my superpower was to survive and go on to lead a productive life.

Or I could answer it in the context of things I am good at -

1) I have a great memory - particularly for names - people, books, authors

2) I'm a good listener although my T would say in part that is a learned mechanism to avoid sharing my own story

3) I am cool under pressure - particularly at work

4) I'm a fast reader

5) I can keep secrets (I suppose this could fall in the above category - learned from my abuse)

Five bands/concerts

2010-06-14T07:30:00.000-07:00

Now - this is a fun one that doesn't stir up bad things - always nice.

Five best concerts I've been to - I haven't been to that many concerts, but I've been to some great ones. I'm not including symphonies/opera/classical/musicals in this list -

1) Rolling Stones - Steel Wheels tour - we had GREAT seats - on the floor about 12 rows back - my ears were ringing for days!

2) Bruce Springsteen - another great one - forget which album he was promoting

3) Grateful Dead - yes in the times of Garcia - it was an outdoor venue - it was hot as hell and like a dustbowl, but who cared? Warm up was Bruce Hornsby - also great.

4) Paul Simon - small venue at the local university - I think it was Graceland album - again we had great seats.

5) Phil Collins - huge arena - in Ohio State stadium - packed to the gills - post Genesis days but a lot of energy flowing

6) Adding a sixth - Barenaked Ladies - venue was not great - too crowded - too hot (perhaps it was the beginning of menopause for me :) It was during the promotion of Barenaked for the Holidays. Really entertaining.

More recently been to Avril Lavigne with dear daughter (in the same venue as Springsteen 15 years previously). It was actually pretty good.

My First Kiss - today's prompt

2010-06-12T06:22:00.001-07:00

WTF - do they write these with abuse survivors in mind?

I can't begin to remember my first kiss -

16 year old self

2010-06-10T14:11:00.001-07:00

Prompt today is to list three things you would tell your 16 year old self. I was in my senior year of high school at the time.

First one is easy - tell someone now, get into therapy, don't carry the baggage for so many years. I can only imagine it is harder now than it might have been at 16.

Second and Third - see above. Actually I don't have many regrets about the way my life has progressed. Except for my silence for so long.

1000 Cranes

2010-06-09T11:23:00.000-07:00

Japanese lore suggests that if you fold 1,000 paper cranes, your wish will come true. What would your wish be, and what would you be willing to do 1,000 times to get it?

Today's inspiration. Funny this was done at our school this year for our librarian. Her 2 year granddaughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor and people folded 1000 cranes and hung them in the library.

So the question is do I wish for something past, present or future? Reminds me of the Christmas Carol.

If in the past - definitely would wish that the abuse had not occured. That the discovery of sex came from natural exploration and curiosity and not forced upon me at a young age. That trust and security were instilled.

If in the future - wish that my kids are happy in whatever they choose to do.

The present - well I'm living it moment to moment - perhaps I would wish that I could work part time.

What would I do to get these wishes? Folding 1000 cranes would be nice. :)

Nablopomo - a million dollars

2010-06-08T17:44:00.000-07:00

What would I do with a million dollars if I couldn't keep it for myself or help those I know?

Not sure I can top Kerro's suggestion of taking a portion of it in $100 bills and throwing them off the top of a tall building.

Kids - I would want to help kids in some way. Because most kids are not born evil. Because many kids will prosper if given the resources. S0 -

Programs that help kids learn to read

Programs that feed kids

Programs that provide mentoring for kids

Resources to buy books - I escaped my childhood by reading

Programs to pay for therapy for kids who need it

You get the picture.

Nablopomo - apology?

2010-06-07T13:29:00.001-07:00

Today's prompt is whether I owe anyone an apology, and if so, why?

I guess I could think of lots of reasons to apologize to people.

Therapist - apologize for asking questions that lead to disclosures

Husband - apologize for not telling him my secret years ago

Inner child - apologize for not being able to access you to feel your pain

I'm sure I could go on, but this is enough for now.

Nablopomo June 5/6 Therapy

2010-06-06T08:42:00.000-07:00

So there was no prompt yesterday on the site and none so far today. I checked as late as 10 p.m. So I missed yesterday -

One thing I did this week was write a long entry in my private journal about things to talk about in therapy. I'm one of those who chit chat for awhile and avoid talking about some things. And then the time runs out when we are in the midst of it.

I've had a heart to heart with T and at this point we've reached an understanding. Something came up this week which made me realize that I still don't completely trust her (or anyone). Although she is worthy of my trust - I intellectually know that. I called and left her a voice mail about the issue (something I've done only 2-3 times in over two years). I told her that she didn't have to call me back, we could talk about it at our session next week. But she called me back because "she didn't want me to ruminate about it over the weekend". And she said she was glad I called.

That got me thinking that she is definitely worthy of my trust.

Nablopomo - Father

2010-06-04T13:54:00.000-07:00

Today's prompt - "What is the first thing you think of when you think of your father?"

Oh - funny question with more disclosure. My first thought was "dead" but in reality it should be "not known to me".

Another opportunity for disclosure - I never knew my father. My mother had an affair with her (married) landlord and got pregnant (with me). His wife was pregnant at the same time and also had a girl (how sweet). I know his name - I asked my mother once when I was doing genetics in med school. He (if he is still alive) and presumably his family live in town. I have from time to time thought about looking into it, but have decided it's not worth it.

All three of my mother's children have different fathers. The last was my abuser.

Nablopomo - freedom

2010-06-03T12:37:00.000-07:00

Today's topic is defining freedom - interesting because the last line of yesterday's post was about the caged bird singing of freedom.

In the current topic of this blog, freedom for me is the ability to tell others, to share with others my story. Most of that has been anonymous, but still a tremendous help.

In a general sense, freedom for me is the ability to think what I want, say what I want, live my live the way I want without condemnation or judgement from others.

And of course, there is the hope for freedom from the aftereffects of childhood sexual abuse. Still working on that one.

Nablopomo - favorite poem

2010-06-02T08:58:00.000-07:00

Favorite poem -

I used to love poetry - I remember reams of paper where I had copied poems. I remember reading this book in 9th grade and it resonated with me. This reminds me that I should read more poetry.

I know why the caged bird sings by Maya Angelou

A free bird leaps on the back
Of the wind and floats downstream
Till the current ends and dips his wing
In the orange suns rays
And dares to claim the sky.

But a BIRD that stalks down his narrow cage
Can seldom see through his bars of rage
His wings are clipped and his feet are tied
So he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
Of things unknown but longed for still
And his tune is heard on the distant hill for
The caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
And the trade winds soft through
The sighing trees
And the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright
Lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged BIRD stands on the grave of dreams
His shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
His wings are clipped and his feet are tied
So he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with
A fearful trill of things unknown
But longed for still and his
Tune is heard on the distant hill
For the caged bird sings of freedom.

Nablopomo - childhood dreams

2010-06-01T17:30:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Kerro - I found this site. I will give it a try since I post so infrequently. I've been offline for awhile - no posts, email or reading of blogs. Nothing bad - just life and doing some thinking on my own. :)

When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Safe

Normal

And maybe beautiful.

HOW DO YOU KNOW.....

2010-05-19T06:39:00.000-07:00

WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THERAPY? WHEN YOU'RE HEALED?

I've read a lot of books and blogs about healing from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. In some I am struck by how "up" everything is. There was a journey and a process and now there is

..........healing.

How do you know this?

Is there a light bulb that goes off that says "I've felt good for x number of months"?

Is it because your therapist thinks you are done and gives you a get out jail card?

Is it because you have well defined goals and those are now met?

Is it a conscious decision about not dwelling on the past but moving to the future?

Some of the above are tongue in cheek and I am sure that even those who have moved past my stage (whatever that is) will say they are still in the process. That there is no endpoint.

I still find it difficult to believe that 45 years of feelings (shame, guilt, inferiority.... pick your own) can be altered dramatically. I feel like I still have to find that one book or one person who can show me things can be different in my mind.

I sound down and maybe I am a little. That roller coaster ride of therapy. I think last night my T tried to change the session a bit in response to my comments last week. It came off seeming forced (lots of "tell me what you are thinking right now about what I just said") and was jarring. I went in thinking we had cleared the air last week and would get down to business, but it seemed "off" somehow. Historically, after a session where I've voiced concerns about the process and my progress, I've always thought she was distant the next session, like boundaries are being redrawn. Or is she like that because I think she is?? Or the proverbial circle.

Therapy update

2010-05-13T12:17:00.000-07:00

After writing the last post about my anniversary date, I also spent time reading all my previous entries in my private journal. This was about 60 entries over a year and a half time span, many written in conjunction with reading "Courage To Heal". I was struck by what has been almost a roller coaster ride - the doubts I expressed in the last post about continuing with therapy were played out several times over the past two years.

So - I went in poised to express this thought about quitting and/or changing. One thing that has become clear to me is that I have changed in this time frame. Although it was awkward and embarrassing at times to express my unhappiness with lack of progress and her lack of feedback, I was able to talk about it and put it all on the table. I'm not sure I could have done that early in therapy. I admitted that I don't think I am done with therapy - I still realize that I am a "closed" and "cautious" person who holds feelings tight (if experienced at all). I admitted that I need to deal with being able to express my feelings, BUT that she needed to figure out the way to get me to talk about feelings. I'm not being resistant on purpose - it's just a difficult process.

So - I will stay on for at least awhile longer. I still have some doubts as to whether she can help me go any further with processing the abuse. I'm not sure I know what I need in that respect. But she does listen and I can talk to her. Perhaps she can help with the effects of the abuse.

Anniversary Date

2010-05-07T06:29:00.000-07:00

So last week was my two year anniversary with my therapist. As is typical for me, I asked her where she thought we were (or perhaps where she thought I was relative to two years ago) and if she had any thoughts as to where we might go. As is typical for her, she punted the question back to me, because of course "It's all about me". I'm just not sure if I can do this anymore. It seems as if we have been stagnant for some time in the sessions. I asked her about her training for EMDR. She doesn't think she will. I'm considering termination. Or searching for a new T. The last option is anxiety provoking.

I had a dream that I quit therapy in quite a rude way - cancelling an appointment, telling her on the phone that I was quitting, telling her to count me as one of her failures. Like I was trying to hurt her. I'm sure that is saying something about where my mind is now. And I'm not that sort of person.

I will talk about this with her next week, but I am not hopeful. We've had similar discussions before.

Do others find that their therapists challenge them?

Confiding in others

2010-04-07T05:46:00.000-07:00

I think one of the hardest things about my three week break from therapy was the realization that my T is the only one I talk with about my past. Besides those involved, only two others know my history. One is hubbie and we don't talk about it (one of my areas of anxiety). The other is a long term close friend who lives 3000 miles away and has a busy life with young kids. So we don't talk often.

Although I had a great vacation - it seemed like my "internal chatter" was greater and got fairly negative by the end of my break. I'm thinking that is because I had no outlet for my thoughts since I can't call or email T. Well I could call if there was something big, but this was the "usual chatter".

That led me to think about friends who I might tell so that I might be able to unload when needed. I see a few issues with this -

1) you never know how it will be perceived

2) is it selfish to tell someone so that I can talk to them when necessary? Would I be attempting to use a friend as a therapist?

Any thoughts on this?

The Language of Therapists

2010-04-07T05:39:00.000-07:00

Everyone jokes about how there must be a course "Illegible Handwriting" in medical school. I'm beginning to think there must be a "Therapist Language" course.

Beginning of yesterday's session -

Me: So did you miss me while I was gone? (after 3 week break)

She (chuckling a bit): What do you think? (with emphasis on you)

Me: I don't know - only you can tell me what you were feeling. (Pretty clever, I thought)

She: I noticed your absence. Although there might have been someone else sitting in the chair, I was fully aware that the 5:30 Tuesday is your time.

So - what do you think? Did she miss me?

All joking aside - the session was neutral - not great, not terrible. She commented once that she thought I was quieter than usual. It did seem like she did more talking than usual - but nothing really new.

Now we have another two week break............

Just because I KNOW it is transference

2010-03-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

Doesn't make it easier.

T and I have spent quite a bit of the last few sessions talking about "our" relationship. And how uncomfortable it is for me to tell her what she means to me. So I'm realizing that I am projecting feelings of wanting to be mothered or to have an intimate friend on her, and she, in her therapist way, is filling those roles. In a recent session, she mentioned that she "tells" me more about herself than other patients and she was wondering if I was interpreting that as "friendship" or as a sign that she likes me. And I had to admit Yes. I think that bothered her - she was using this disclosure (I think) as a way to build trust. Although I think I knew that on some level, I also thought we were just talking because we are (1) similar ages (2)both physicians (3) share similar humor. So it seems a bit forced now - where I analyze what she says to me and wonder how she processes what I say to her. We have a two week break and the week back will likely be a bit of "fluff" and then she is off for a week or two. So - it will take a while to get back into this discussion.

One book I've read on vacation is The Talking Cure. It is a quick read dealing with how psychotherapy alters the brain. I found it interesting to discover that this therapist seems to be constantly processing what the patient is saying with her own interpretations and then reprocessing in order to determine how much of her bias she is interjecting, before responding. Must be exhausting.

Fiction books about therapy

2010-03-15T11:41:00.000-07:00

A couple of books were recommended to me by a therapist friend. I'm in the midst of one AUGUST by Judith Rossner. A bit outdated (I think it's from the 70s) and boring at times, but interesting to read about the therapeutic relationship.

I've read a few others (mainly by Yalom). Anyone have other suggestions of fiction books dealing with the therapeutic relationship?

It all comes down to the mother again

2010-03-15T11:03:00.000-07:00

So this past week in therapy, we were discussing my ability to express my anger/dissatisfaction at her the previous week. In the midst of this conversation, T threw in a comment about my mother. I've having difficulty bringing back what she said because it was so jarring in the moment. I did ask her about why she brought my mother up at that point and I don't remember what she said. She knows that I have many negative feelings about my mother. I've come to two conclusions -

1) She brought up a negative image (mother) in the midst of me talking about caring about her as a T and a person in an attempt to have me care less about her.

2) She's laying the ground to explore that when I obsess about her being gone, I'm dredging up abandonment issues related to my mother and when I get angry at perhaps misinterpret something - it's because I'm channeling anger to my mother.

Something to talk about this week. I sometimes despise therapists using these "techniques" to draw the lines between things present and things past.

Quote on sleeping

2010-03-08T13:25:00.000-08:00

"I've always envied people who sleep easily. Their brains must be cleaner, the floorboards of the skull well swept, all the little monsters closed up in a steamer trunk at the foot of the bed."

from City of Thieves by David Benioff

Good read, BTW.

EMDR anyone?

2010-03-04T10:28:00.000-08:00

After a rough session last week - one that felt very disconnected - this week was good. I was able to vent all my anger/frustration/doubts/worries about last week, our relationship and therapy in general. One thing I was able to vocalize more clearly was my concern that she did not have enough experience to deal with helping me work through the abuse and wondering if I should see a "specialist". In the course of that discussion, she brought up EMDR as something she has been "holding in the back of my mind as a possibility for you". She does not do EMDR so I would have to go to someone else.

So my question - I know what EMDR is - I did a bit of reading about it early on. Has anyone been through this and willing to share the experience?

Therapy, thus far

2010-02-28T05:35:00.000-08:00

So after a particularly bad session (you know the the type - nothing to say - staring at each other in awkward silence) this week, I've been evaluating what has been accomplished thus far in nearly two years.

The good -

1) I've disclosed everything I remember about my abuse.

2) I've told T, my husband and I've put it here.

3) I've broached the subject with my mother and learned a few more things.

4) I think I feel more secure in my parenting skills.

5) I don't think about the abuse nearly as much as I used to.

The bad -

1) My relationship with my husband is not what it was - it is more distant without much intimacy (physical and emotional).

2) My relationship with my mother is not what is was - I can barely stand to talk with her. She is now depressed again and somehow I feel guilty for this.

3) Instead of thinking about the abuse, I now think about therapy and my therapist more than I would like.

I'm at the point where I think I need a roadmap or some guidance to figure out where to go next. And I'm not sure I am getting that from T. So, once again, I am at the point of trying to decide whether to quit therapy completely, try a new T with more experience in CSA or stick with it with current T for a while longer. And yes I will talk about this with her - it seems like we have been over the issues before.

I particularly dislike how one week can be good and the next not so good. By good - I don't necessarily mean that I "feel" good after a session, but that we connected - even if the conversation was difficult.

Treatment plans

2010-02-25T12:26:00.000-08:00

After a dissatisfying session this week, particularly because I am wondering where we are headed in therapy, I'm left wondering about treatment plans and goals. I've read a lot about how therapy is supposed to work - you go in and talk about what is bothering you and decide on a plan for working out the issues. Most that I've read indicate there should be goals with a treatment plan and a timeframe.

I don't have that at all and at times I feel like we are aimlessly wondering along. Despite what my T says about nothing being pointless and we'll go where things take us. So that leads me to ask - do any of you have well defined issues, goals and treatment plans?

Perhaps my lack of these is due to the "type" of therapist I have. I'm not even sure about that - I think psychodynamic.

An aha moment

2010-02-23T09:56:00.000-08:00

Man I am an epic fail at this blogging thing - my last post was December 21. I haven't been writing in my private journal either. Perhaps my T is right - I am in avoidance mode now.

At any rate - I've been thinking a lot about issues related to trust and power lately. I've had some conflict lately with my teen daughter over studying, grades, etc. She is so much more self confident than I was at her age (perhaps even now in some areas) almost to the point of being defiant. Thinking about it this weekend, I thought that her defiance (which is really individualization) is triggering for me. And I wondered if that is because I am angry at my own "inner child" for not being more defiant and standing up to the abuse. Now, I am not big on "inner child" work - probably because it involves feelings. I've also never thought that I blamed myself in the past - but maybe I am on some level. Having a strong confident daughter has brought that out in me.

Food for therapy today.

Oh - and things are much better with the daughter now - she's one of those get it out in a dramatic way and then move on. I'm the ruminator who dwells on the same things over and over. It was good to hear what she was feeling and clear the air.

OLJ

Apology for Hiatus

2009-12-21T07:32:00.000-08:00

Although I briefly check over the blog list, I have read virtually no postings for the last week. Worse than that - I have not responded to messages in my inbox. I know I don't have to apologize for the absence, but I did want my cyber friends to know that I am fine. (When someone is gone from the internet, I usually worry about them - just my nature :) I am just very busy at work. One of my partners is taking an unexpected medical leave for two months. That coupled with the usual holiday vacations makes for very short staffing. And people still get ill over the holidays - sometimes very ill, so the hospital is booming and everyone seems to want answers yesterday.

The holiday season is keeping me in a good mood. I'm enjoying the kids at home and am not stressed (at least not yet) about anything holiday related. I have a few days off next week and we will be travelling to visit family over the New Year.

Best wishes to all who read. :)
OLJ

How much time do you spend thinking about therapy?

2009-12-14T05:48:00.000-08:00

Last night as I chopped ingredients for quesadillas, I was thinking about therapy - last week's session, what we might talk about this week, and of course thinking about therapist. It made me wonder if I obssess about it more than others. So I am putting the question out there. How much do you think about your process and is it -

Processing a previous session
Previewing/planning an upcoming session
Just thinking about your therapist

Any therapists that might reply - how much time thinking (or should I say obssessing) about therapy is unhealthy. Makes me wonder how much therapists think about their patients and sessions between sessions. Replaying something said - wondering if your response was off base or not helpful in the situation.

As a follow up - I ended up not going to the holiday party that we were both invited to and spent most of last week talking about. At this point, it just didn't feel *right*.

Odd Pseudo Dream

2009-12-12T08:12:00.000-08:00

Something quite odd happened to me last night. Before going to sleep, I picked up (yet another) book on abuse survivors (Secret Survivor) and was perusing it. I am starting to think about my lack of so many memories and wondering if they will surface. And if I want them to. And what I will do if they surface. At any rate, I was exhausted and fell into a deep sleep.

About an hour later, I "woke" up as my husband was coming to bed. I looked at him and saw him, but asked him "What are you doing here? What are you doing?" Although I was seeing his face, I'm thinking I was thinking he was my abuser. He was amused - "Uh - I'm getting ready for bed like I do every night. Putting my clothes in the hamper."

I'm sure I wasn't fully awake, although it registers in my mind that I *knew* he was my husband. And it only took a matter of minutes before I realized where I was. I don't remember any *dreams* before waking up. Odd and unsettling.

I had to go to work this morning while the family was still asleep. Will need to have that conversation to tell hubby that I am sure this was related to my past abuse.

Circuitous thinking and disclosuse

2009-12-02T06:34:00.000-08:00

This post may not be coherent because my thinking is muddled about this. I've been thinking about disclosure a lot. I've been running down my list of friends - long term and shorter term - trying to decide which, if any, I might talk to about my past. The fact that I am spending time (aka ruminating about) with this tells me I will take the plunge soon. It's something I am working up to - like I worked up to -

going to a therapist
telling my therapist about my abuse
telling my husband about my abuse
asking my mother about my abuse
telling one friend about my abuse (a safe one, that I don't see in person because she lives 3000 miles away, have known since college and who already suspected something)

I am stuck with feeling that if I tell a friend, I will feel like I've been a fraud all these years. I feel that my friends will view me differently. Which tells me that I still defining myself by what happened to me when I was a child. I am realizing that my thought process and reactions WERE formed during childhood - the circuits were laid down aberrantly. There are times when I've been sitting with a friend, chatting about this or that, when I've considered putting it out there. But I haven't. My T tells me that it will happen when I am ready. Seems like such a pat answer, but perhaps there is truth in it. I keep thinking about one friend who told me she couldn't deal with someone because there was "too much drama in her life" and she was "too high maintenance". The woman she is referring to went through a nasty divorce from someone with mental illness, has three children and is trying to make a go of it. My feeling is she deserves to be "high maintenance", but I don't want to become that person.

Perhaps part of my issue is the people I have shared with - at least hubby and mother - haven't persued it. My mother I can understand - she is self centered and it is a relief for her to have it out in the open and now she is done with it. My husband is more complicated - I have considered the following -

he doesn't talk about it because he finds it awkward (the one time I brought it up he said he thought it was creepy)
he doesn't talk about it because it hasn't changed how he thinks about me - I'm still the person he married and loves
he doesn't talk about it because it has changed his thinking of me

I still am left with that fact that I withheld this information about myself from him for 25 years. It feels like I have cheated him.

So I am left with my muddled thinking. After a bizarre therapy session last night.

Picture this

2009-11-09T06:22:00.000-08:00

Blue sky - I mean deep blue sky
Warm air - around 70
Sunshine

Outside raking leaves, pulling weeds and spent tomato vines.

With hubby, 10 year old son and dog.

Taking breaks to swing.

What a lovely weekend.

Hope others had some beauty this weekend. :)

Buried memories - Warning - may trigger some

2009-11-04T12:06:00.000-08:00

I've debated about sharing some of the details about my abuse. Particularly those recently revealed by my mother. I still have this fear that someone in my everyday life will discover this blog and realize that I am the author. I've decided to go ahead and take that chance.

So - I've always known I was sexually abused as a child by my stepfather - the father of my younger brother. My memories are vague - but I can date them from about age 8 to age 11. Most of what I remember occured in the night - but those memories are more about things I did to avoid the abuse - like stay up late with my older brother watching TV (I specifically remember my abuser coming to check multiple times to see if I was in bed yet). Another avoidance was carrying my younger brother into my mother's room to put him bed with her - this was after I chose to sleep in his bed - thinking it might protect me from abuse that night. Of course, that woke my mother up, which did protect me that night. I remember the next morning, my abuser cornering me in the kitchen to tell me that "if I did something like that again, he would kill my mother." This seemed plausible as we three children witnessed their fights on multiple occasions and called the police a couple of times. Although she wasn't saving me from the abuse, the alternative of being without my mother must have been very frightening. The only phyisical things I remember was one specific time when he kept me home from school in the morning - I'm suspecting the reason I remember was because that was daytime and I could *see* him. Again, I don't remember pain at that time - I remember saliva and fingers. And being dropped late at school. And wishing that I could tell someone why.

These memories have always been there, although I have been able to put them aside and move on with life. I've escaped from my life of poverty. I'm the only one in my family to graduate from high school, much less college and medical school. I think one thing that helped me through adolescence is my involvement in church at the time. Although my beliefs are nearly 180 degrees different now, the church youth group provided a social outlet for me.

Fast forward to now - my memories have become more intrusive as my children get older. I think having a teenage daughter and going through menopause pushed me to the point of needing to *deal* with my issues. For those who have read my (short) blog, you know that since I started therapy almost a year and a half ago, I have disclosed my abuse history to my therapist, a close college friend and my husband. And last week, I asked my mother about my childhood.

After a brief avoidance ("what about your childhood?"), when I asked about my abuser, she said "Oh he molested you". I asked how she found out about it - she said I was "having a problem pooping" so she took me to the doctor who discovered I had been abused. He referred me to the emergency room (I do have a memory of that visit and hearing the word hymen as an 11 year old) where they confirmed that I had been sodomized and raped (my words - I don't think my mother knows those words). My mother told me that I told her at that time that he took me to his room at night after she went to work. She worked nights for 6 years, from age 5 to 11 for me.

This is what is hard for me now. The abuse is validated (I had no doubt), but it is worse than my memories. There must have been a lot of pain. I have absolutely no memory of pain. So - I wonder if these memories will ever surface. I don't think I want them to or need them to at this point. But I worry about what I will do if they come back.

So that's at least most of my story. So much of what I'm experiencing and feeling right now ties in with posts on multiple blogs. Avoidance of touch, needing hugs, trigger warnings, religion. It is good to think about all of these things.

My T is gone for a week so it will a two week hiatus before I see her again. I will be interested to see where we go from here. (Although I know I will have to take us there :)

Amazingly, I am doing well. I think the anxiety that built up over not talking with my mother is now released. So - in the moment - I am good.

OLJ

Follow up on Anger

2009-11-04T11:56:00.001-08:00

So after a few back and forths with my therapist, I finally met with her last night. I printed out my private journals related to the phone call with my mother. I also journalled what I wanted to cover in this session including my anger at her for seeming dismissive about things. I printed that out and took it in.

It was a good session. We stayed on task. We got through a lot of material. Albeit, somewhat superficially due to time constraints. I felt like she listened and cared. She commented that she was worried that I would view her voicemail as "dismissive". We talked about the phone calls with my mother. She validated my belief that it is "all about my mother". She has continued to call me every day, but not once has she asked how I am doing. My T made a leap of faith - she said she didn't think my mother would injure herself (obviously she is basing this only on what I have told her), but even if she did, it would not be my fault. There is an ugly part of me that really doesn't care at this point.

The only downside to the session was that since I was so focused on what I had written and wanted to get through, I probably listened less than usual. My memory of what SHE said is not great. But I do know it felt right at the time.

One of the things I addressed with her was my concern that her experience with CSA survivors is not broad (by her own admission). We talked about the fact that she might consult with someone who works more frequently in the area. At one point, I would have thought that to be awful. Now, I welcome it.

Anger

2009-10-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

I am angry! I am angry at my therapist and my mother and my past. I think this is a good thing, although I don't feel good about it in the present. I think it is good because I am at least feeling feelings and attempting to work through them.

So - after talking with my mother, she called back yesterday to let me know how horrible her life has been, etc. It's the same as usual. Alhough I know she is sorry for what happened to me in the past, it has now become about her and how little she is sleeping and how she could kill herself, etc. This of course makes me feel awful. I would feel awful if she actually did harm herself. But I also feel awful because I really don't care right now. She laid a lot of things out for me and I am trying to deal with it. I can't deal with her at the same time.

Now for my therapist - I journalled about everything my mother told me and how I felt. It was raw and painful. I wanted to email it to her so she could read it ahead of time. I am really afraid I will go in next week and clam up and not want to talk about it. Plus some of it is SO awkward to talk about. So I left a voicemail for her asking if there was some way I could email it to her - that I wasn't worried about privacy issues since she lives alone. She could print it off and delete it.

She doesn't work Thursday or Friday and I left this voicemail early yesterday. She called me back this afternoon and left a message on my phone. Basically that she thinks I need to print them out and bring them in at my usual time and we can talk about it in the moment and talk about the awkwardness. That email really didn't work for her. That really pissed me off - to the point of wanting to cancel my appointment next week and perhaps forever. Childish I know. I thought -
1) she doesn't want to have to think about this awful stuff outside the office
2) I am angry that I couldn't vent to her - she is one of three people who know my history and she knows the most. I called one of my friends and her child was home sick and she couldn't talk and I had no time alone with my husband.
3) I am angry that she doesn't work on Thursday and Friday - again silly. She called me back from her house. I was tempted to call her back at home. She's never given me her number, but it comes up on caller ID. I hate going through her receptionist, leaving a voicemail and waiting for her to call back.
4) I don't abuse the above - I think now I have called her 4 times in a year and a half outside of appointment changes (which are also not frequent). We have talked about my bringing this up with my mother to see what she would disclose. Unfortunately - I didn't time it on Monday night before my Tuesday appointment.

Having ranted about all of the above, I know that part of my anger is related to her not being there in the same way that my mother wasn't there for me when I was young and isn't there for me now. That doesn't make it easier to deal with. I rarely lean on others for support - now I want to and she is not available.

For the record - I left her another voicemail to tell her that I was angry. Now I am embarassed that I did that, but in the long run, probably not a bad thing.

Phone call to my mother

2009-10-29T11:43:00.000-07:00

I've been working my nerve up for some time and finally I picked up the phone yesterday to ask my mother about my abuse. T said I likely needed some validation that the abuse had happened. I disagreed with her - I had no doubt that it happened - I do have some specific memories. I guess I wanted to hear what she would say AND try to figure out how long she knew about it before doing something. Needless to say, the question was a surprise to her and she at first danced around the issue for a few minutes. To put this in perspective - I am 50, my mother is 75 and this abuse happened between the ages of 5 and 11. So this has been on her mind for some time. She was confused about the dates - she said she discovered it when I was 5, but they divorced when I was 11, so she was wrong about that. In no way did she make it seem like the abuse was my fault, but she did seem to blame me for not telling her. Comments like - "You didn't say anything. Things happen. I'm sorry." and "He's dead now so you don't have to worry anymore." and "You have to watch your kids like a hawk." She disclosed that she "could have sent him to jail" but didn't because his mother begged her not to. I've always thought she got a better divorce settlement because she had this to hang over his head. She told me that he had abused "a lot" of girls including two of his nieces. She apparently didn't know this until after the fact, although I remember spending time with this family during my childhood. She said that the girls' father "ran him off". This is not true - because as I said, we spent time together as children.

The worse thing about all this is that she disclosed specific things about the abuse of which I have NO memory. So I know there is more buried in my mind. I wasn't prepared for that part of this. I phoned the T yesterday to let her know I had called her. I didn't specifically ask for her to call me back, and she hasn't :(((

Disclosure and healing

2009-10-27T06:45:00.001-07:00

Although much of the time, I don't feel like I have progressed much in the last year, when I sit and assess where I am today, I realize I have come a long way. Compared to a year ago when I first disclosed to my therapist I have -

1) Told my husband about my childhood abuse
2) Slept better - although I still don't feel well rested most days
3) Told one other friend about my abuse
4) Discussed things in this "anonymous" forum
5) Continued with therapy on a weekly basis
6) Read a lot about abuse and its effects

I feel like I am nearing another step in the process, because I am -

1) Thinking about who else I might share my story with. I was with two friends over the weekend, chatting about kids and life and I started wondering about what their reaction would be if I disclosed my abuse history to them.
2) I am seriously thinking about a dinner out with a friend that I might share my story with.
3) I am thinking of telling my 16 year old daughter.
4) I am thinking of bringing it up to my mother - I called her once last week and if she had been home, I am certain I would have asked her (in a non threatening way) about what she might tell me.
5) I came across a local support group that started recently. Almost like karma - I was at the hairdressers and saw the ad in the paper. I have emailed to ask about it and I have done some research on the founder of the group. I have considered this but am not sure I ready for the public.

Just wondering about others on their journey - have you shared your story with others? How did you choose your audience? Any advice on how to proceed?

I have a session today - this seems like a good topic to fill 45 minutes :)

Thanks for the comments

2009-10-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks to those who commented on how they might prepare for therapy. My T has responded to some of my concerns and brought up a topic she feels might need some exploring at our next session. As I feel myself nearing the end of therapy, I find myself missing her. I do feel "close" to her.

I'm sure I have more issues related to the abuse to work on. It just doesn't seem to be a high priority for me right now. In fact, at one point, it seemed like all I did was think of the abuse and related things. Now, I rarely find myself thinking about it. Perhaps avoidance.

Preparing for therapy

2009-09-29T07:39:00.000-07:00

A question for those of you who stop by here - well two questions :)
1) Do you "prepare" for therapy?
2) If so, what do you do?

Sometimes I go in cold without even thinking about it during the day. These are usually busy days at work. Funny - sometimes these sessions seem worthless because there is not much to talk about (and then I feel guilty somehow). Other times, these unrehearsed sessions yield good discussions.

Sometimes, I go over what I might have jotted down from the previous week (here or in my private journal) and write down a few topics. It usually takes me awhile to ease into my list. But eventually I do and I feel like I've accomplished something at the end.

On the weeks when I don't go in with a list - I usually ask my T what she would like to talk about and whether she has anything on her list. Without fail, she always defers back to me. I find this frustrating. We have been meeting for about a year and a half. Surely some things have come up that she would like to go into deeper. But that makes it her agenda and not mine.

So - speak up. How does it work for you? And therapists out there - do your patients have lists? Do you ever bring up the topics or do you always defer to the patient?

Oh - and a follow up. Last week - I discussed nearly everything in my previous post and cleared up some things. The boundary issues are raw now with my friend next door. For now, I will try to work through those.

And - I like my therapist. My venting here is more about the relationship and not so much about her.

Therapy funk continues

2009-09-17T05:30:00.000-07:00

So - for the second time in my 1.5 years with my therapist, I left a message after this week's session to let her know I was in a therapy funk. I came out of this week's session unsatisfied - it happens but usually resolves with processing - and remained so for much of yesterday.

First - my therapist acquaintance who moved into the office next to my T was there on Tuesday. Her door was closed, she was in session and I could occasionally hear her voice. I found this incredibly distracting. So, now I'm thinking of changing my day/time to avoid her.

Second - during the initial phase of therapy this week, I commented on the fact that my friend was there and in session. My T said - "Do you know she's there or could she have left?" I explained that I had seen her car in the lot and had not heard any doors closing while waiting for her. (she ran over with the patient before and was about 10 minutes late for me) This led to T commenting on how observant and aware I am of things around me. Which led to her commenting that I had to be this way - I had to hear the creak of the stair, the door opening etc. Which led to me rebelling with "I don't need to hear it now - I'm not being abused now". I get tired of everything going back to the abuse. She commented that my body is "wired" that way - to respond, to be hyperaware, etc. I asked "how do we fix that?"

That led to a discussion of EMDR - which I've read about and am familiar with. My T does not do EMDR. So she commented that if I was interested in this I would "have to tell my story to someone else". I don't know - it was the way she said it or the way I heard it - but it came across as almost judging me - the second half of the sentence in my mind was "and we know you are not strong enough to do that".

I then asked her about attachment and told her that I thought a natural consequence of my abuse was that I have an issue with attachment. She wanted to know what context I was speaking about and what I had read. Part of me was thinking - shouldn't you know what attachment is and be telling me about the theory and agreeing that this might be an issue for me. Instead - she said she didn't think I had an issue with attachment because I had attachment with my husband and kids.

This led to me reminding her that I don't feel that close to my husband - that we don't "talk" about the big issues. We just exist (but it's worked well for 22 years). That's not to say we don't talk about things like how best to handle something with the kids or whether we should buy a new house or whether one of us should change our career path. But we don't talk about feelings, my abuse, sex, etc...... And she knows that - so that bothered me.

So having vented all this - I will say - I like my T. I would like her if I met her outside of therapy. At first, I thought she would have all the answers. Perhaps now I am realizing that she is human. BUT- I know that much of how I view life and handle situations and avoid intimacy is directly related to my childhood abuse. I know I can't change that, but I would like some guidance in working through it and going forward. I survive fine day to day - most would never guess my past. And she knows all this - I just don't feel like I'm moving forward.

Another caveat - there is a lot of additional stress in my life right now - work stress, nephew situation, daughter's surgery, depressed mother...... So perhaps I am too sensitive right now. She did call back last night and left a message on my cell. Something along the lines of "I'm glad you called (she said that twice), we need to talk about this, I'd suggest you come next week at your regular time and we can talk about a different time to meet. Or if you want to call beforehand, we can talk briefly about it on the phone." Her tone sounded annoyed and it sounded like she slammed down the phone. Although probably neither is true.

So - I continue in my therapy funk. :((

Compartmentalizing

2009-09-02T14:10:00.000-07:00

Is that a word?

One lasting effect of my abuse has been my ability to compartmentalize my feelings. Or perhaps I have developed the ability to "not feel". I suspect that is how I handled the abuse at the time - by dissociating and not feeling. I rarely cry - when I do, it is usually in anger or frustration.

An example in my current life - an unthinkable thing is going on in my extended family right now. My teenage nephew suffered an anaphylactic reaction over the weekend and is now basically brain dead. Although he has some brainstem function, so if they turn off the ventilator, he may live in a vegetative state. I can't imagine the emotions my brother is feeling right now. I am providing telephone support to him, and in the moment during the calls, I have intense feelings with tears in my eyes and a knot in my stomach. But - I can turn it off and have been able to function fine at work in between phone calls.

I wonder if this is normal.

More books

2009-08-26T07:17:00.000-07:00

So I have picked up a couple of new books to continue in my reading. I can only work through the Courage to Heal workbook at a certain pace. I picked up -

Secret Survivors
Secret Scars
Healing Trauma by Peter Levine
Walking the Tiger by Peter Levine (actually only downloaded a sample of this one)

Looked at "Drama of the Gifted Child" at the bookstore over the weekend, although I didn't buy it.

Any comments on these? Any others to add to the list? Reading is one of my comforts - although it usually isn't as intense as these.

For pleasure, I just started Elegance of the Hedgehog.

Continuing for now

2009-08-26T07:07:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was a good session. I vented all my frustrations from last week. I had written a post in my private journal summarizing everything. The good news is that she was aware on some level at some of the things that went awry. When I mentioned "doorknob moment", she got a smile on her face. I asked if she knew what I was going to say and she admitted that she knew the previous week that she had said something that didn't settle the right way. She could tell from the look on my face.

We talked a lot about boundaries. In some ways, I need rigid boundaries. I want to start on time and end on time. Or if we start late, I should get the 45 minutes due me. In other ways, I would like more lax boundaries :)

She warned me at the beginning of the hour that someone I know was moving into the office next to her. This feels like a violation of my space. This is a mother I know through school (who happens to be a social worker). We have dinner a couple times a year. We've talked about therapy (although not specifically mine). Now I will need to tell her about mine because I will see her there in her professional setting. The other thing that clouds the issue is social events. How would it work if T and I were at the same intimate social gathering hosted by this couple?

More fodder for next week. :)

Taking a break from therapy

2009-08-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

I'm considering this after yesterday's session. It had been a couple of weeks due to my vacation. It was one of those sessions where it seemed like all we did was rehash things we've talked about before. I wasn't really up for talking that much. I did ask about progress and knowing when to end. Her comment was somewhere along the lines of "It depends on what you are comfortable with - when you think you've done what you need to do". Although there are grey areas in my field, most of what I do is black and white. It's cancer or not. It's normal or not. Perhaps that is my issue. But she should be able to work with me on this. Realistically, I know we are all different and the needs and timeframe are different. BUT - some guidance would be nice. I almost got the feeling yesterday that she didn't care whether I continued or not. Again, I know that's not likely to be true.

I did tell her about this blog. She was curious and wanted to know about how people comment, whether it was out there for all to see, how people would find it, etc. That got me worrying afterwards about how she might find it. Do others talk about their blogs with their T? Does your T read your blog? If so, do you post about them and your sessions?

Overall - I'm not unhappy with life - just must be a therapy funk. I've thought about calling after hours to let her know I want to take a break. Seems like the cowardly way out. At least we will have something to talk about in the next session.

Haiku

2009-08-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since a new post. I have lots percolating through my mind. Still questioning the therapy - wondering how I will recognize when I am done. I have processed a lot in the last year and am definitely at a better place. Perhaps inspired by cleaning out end of school things for the kids - I have been writing haikus in my mind - they're not great but it's where my mind is at the moment.

Noises in the night
Stairs creaking, doors opening
Please don't come tonight

Under the blanket
Holding breath, fearful, waiting
Darkness surrounds me

Faded wallpaper
Plaster falling off ceiling
Occupy my mind

I sense a theme.

Boundaries

2009-05-14T12:37:00.000-07:00

Been following the comments on The Same Sky regarding An Unconventional Therapy. Talking about boundaries of the therapist and pushing against boundaries. I've been giving thought about what boundaries I would like to violate :) I really want to know my therapist better. I want to know what she does for hobbies, whether she is a stay at home person or goes out to socialize. I want to know what she does on vacation. I feel as if she likes me, but I seem to want to know more about her than I care to know about most of my friends. Is this normal?

I've also had a hard time accepting the fact that we are NOT friends. The therapy relationship is so unusual. Part of my pathology is feeling inferior to others and having this one sided relationship feeds into this feeling. I feel like I am not accepted as an equal. Do others feel this way?

I also like to hear her voice. I called once after a particularly tough session where I shared what I remembered about the abuse. She called back and left a nice message. I listened to it over and over. Anyone else feel like this?

This is tough work.

Books

2009-05-14T12:30:00.000-07:00

So I've been making my way through various books as I go through this "process". Although right now I am taking a break - things just got too intense last week.

Books I've finished:
Trauma and Recovery by Hermann
Courage to Heal by Bass and Davis
Surviving Childhool Sexual Abuse by Ainscott

Books I've read parts of:
Courage to Heal handbook
I Can't Get Over It
Healing From the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse

I've considered buying "Treating the Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse" because I am interested in the therapy process.

Many books have things that "speak" to me and many things that don't seem to apply. I am interested in reading more about the "inner child" and the feelings I went through at the time. I have a difficult time feeling now.

Anybody have a book they want to recommend, or comments on what I've read so far?

Nurturing self

2009-05-12T05:49:00.000-07:00

So part of my reading has to do with nurturing oneself. I am supposed to ask others how they do this. So I am asking....

What I have come up with for myself -
1) Reading - started in childhood as a way to escape life. Read everyday - usually average a book/week or so. Also love talking about books with people.
2) Listening to music - I've recently discovered Pandora, so I can listen at work. Usually the soulful women - Sarah McLachlan, etc. Although sometimes music can make me melancholic.
3) Gardening - would do more of this if I had more time. LOVE fresh flowers. Unfortunately forgot to bring some peonies into the office today. They are glorious now and haven't been beaten down by a thunderstorm (yet).

Unfortunately - these don't seem to help me in the "acute" anxiety moments. Like I had big time on Saturday. When I ruminate over and over about the bad things. What helps in those times? Besides breathing?

Struggling

2009-05-08T06:37:00.001-07:00

I am really struggling right now with all aspects of the healing process -

1) Telling others - Most of the books I have read recommend finding someone to share the healing journey. I am having a hard time imagining this. I have told my husband, but we haven't talked about it since. I'm not sure I will share more with him. As I talk to friends, the possibility of telling is always there. But I don't and I'm not sure I will. It's hard enough to talk with T. Right now, putting it down on paper (or computer screen) is the best I can do.

2) Memories - Parts of me want to remember more and yet I am afraid to remember. Again, from what I've read, it seems like survivors remember bits and pieces as they go through the process. I have a set memory (I remember parts of three or four experiences but given the time span know there must be more) and more hasn't come. I do have olfactory memories. I smell cigarette smoke (usually when reading in bed at night) even though no one has smoked in my house. It takes my breath away. The smell of sweat and cheap beer set me off.

3) Inner child - So much is written about the inner child and finding the inner child and being kind to that child. I suspect that inner child is the same as my private personna in my previous post. I'm pretty sure I don't like that kid.

4) Therapy - Although I have GREAT sessions in my head with T, I clam up in person. That drives me crazy. I'm hoping I can talk her into at least receiving emails. I don't mind typing and once you push the send button, you can't take it back. And I don't expect her to spend time writing back. Just reading them and bringing them out in session.

5) Pervasive thoughts - Even though I've decided to cut back on some of my reading, "it" is there all the time. I've thought about charting the number of times I think about the abuse, my reading, my T during the day. That would be hard because it seems to be there all the time.

Public vs private personna

2009-05-06T12:46:00.000-07:00

I have been visiting lots of sites in order to aid in my healing process. This in addition to reading several books, going to therapy and journalling. It has become evident to me that many people have developed DID in order to cope with their abuse. Although it is likely that I dissociated during the abuse (hence why I remember bits and pieces and have lost large chunks of my memory about my childhood), I'm pretty sure I do not qualify as DID. That being said, I do have two different personalities -
1) The public personna - this is the successful female, doctor, wife, mother. I appear in control and generally do a good job in all of these areas. I have friends, a social life. I'm respected at work - often a go to person. I'm a good listener - people confide in me. I know things about some of my friends that their spouses don't know. I am not saying any of this to brag. I don't understand why all of this doesn't make me feel good inside. Then there is the private person in my head.
2) The private personna - the one who doesn't feel success despite evidence to the contrary. The one who frequently has a knot in her stomach. The one who doubts her parenting skills and her friendships. Although the inner person feels mostly confident about the job, sometimes the littlest thing can set off waves of doubt. The one who feels like a failure at therapy because I don't talk about the things I've read during the week.

I am really tired of this feeling. T thinks I am pushing myself too hard to get through this. She says there is no timetable or quick fix. I'm beginning to wonder is there will ever be a fix. How does someone heal after 40 years of doubt? I think I will take a break from the reading, but will still go to therapy. At least for now.

It could be worse

2009-05-05T16:51:00.000-07:00

So I did some prep work today - went through some of my journaling and made some notes about what to talk about with T. I thought my first comment would be "We have a lot to talk about". Instead, I got there a little early and stewed in the parking lot. This is my first week at this new place. I got so worked up - it was like a mini panic attack. Then I went in to sit in the office where I waited for 10 minutes. The new office is nice - warm color. I sat on the couch for the first time. But I couldn't talk about the things on my card. She is warm and empathic - realized I was having a hard time just being in a new spot. At one point, I told her "This sucks - and I really hate that word". Then I sat in the car afterwards reading a text from my d, and as I was leaving I HIT the car behind me! How awkward is that? I left my cell phone number on the window - that could be an awkward conversation. Will it be a patient or a therapist? Didn't do much damage - just scuffed up the bumper a bit, but still......

One thing we talked about was telling someone else about the abuse. I asked if she thought it would change a friendship. I can imagine the conversation now - "I know I've known you for 30 years, but I neglected to tell you that I was sexually abused as a child." How can that not change things?

To repeat - THIS SUCKS.

Nervous about the move

2009-05-04T13:15:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow is the first appointment at the new office. I am not looking forward to this. One reason I liked the old office was the relative privacy/isolation. There is great danger that I will run into someone I know personally at this new place (therapists and clients). I'm not sure why this bothers me so much. Of course, my T says that therapists don't think twice about seeing people they know waiting in an office. And if they do think about it, the thought is they are glad the person is seeking therapy.

I'm already getting butterflies.

Therapy - Pros and Cons

2009-04-26T14:13:00.000-07:00

Just a free association here. Last week's session was pretty good. I have been going for nearly a year and am thinking about what I hope to accomplish.

Good things about therapy -
1. I have a place where I can (theoretically) talk about anything for 45-50 minutes/week. With someone who is (theoretically) not judgemental. It does feel like a safe place. She is only one of two people that know my history AND the only one I can talk to (besides here).
2. I like my T. This is also a bad thing. It's not just transference - at least I don't think it is. She is someone I would like if meeting her for the first time at a social gathering. I had one other T that I did not feel this way about, so I don't think it is just transference.

Bad things about therapy -
1. I seem to spend much of the week after having sessions in my head. The problem is that the next session never seems to go the way I imagine. More likely than not, we sit without talking for awhile. And I get nervous and anxious, even though I like her. Perhaps that is part of the problem. I think if she sees all my insecurities - she won't like me.
2. I don't know the end point. She talked about trying to fuse the inner child with the capable adult. I claim, but I'm not that child anymore. She says "Oh but you are." This is hard to get.

This has been an up and down week. Funny how I can blow small things out of proportion in my mind and spoil my mood.

I'm sure I will think about more for the list.

Spotless Mind - Ruminating

2009-04-21T05:40:00.000-07:00

So I woke up early and could not get back to sleep. The amount of rumination done in that hour and a half could fill several months of therapy sessions. Made me think of The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and how nice it would be to wipe my mind clean. Things racing through my mind at that hour included -
1 - What did my child mind focus on during the abuse? I've forgotten large chunks of my childhood and I've read it's because I likely dissociated. So where was I and what did I think? And do I really want to recover those memories?
2- Therapy - I find it very difficult to talk during a session, yet I can have multiple sessions in my mind with T. Including the back and forth of what we each say.
3 - In thinking of clearing my mind of everything - the good things popped up that I want to keep. Like my children. Looking at my littlest - he is at an age where I was during the abuse - he is so sweet and innocent. I love his laugh, his giggle, his imagination, his sparkle in his eyes. I have no good memories of childhood. No fun, no sparkle. I often wonder what child I could have been had my situation been different. I also cannot imagine someone wanting to hurt a child like him.
4 - I have fear of cracking this hard outer coat because I think the underneath is quite fragile.
5- Why I feel like an idiot when I don't know something - replaying last night's meeting and the fact that I didn't know the answer to a question. So I called myself an idiot on the way home.
6 - Thinking of T - and the move. I suspect it will be hard for both of us.
7 - My fear of the dark.

That's it for now.

Beginning to blog

2009-04-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

I follow many blogs about trauma and therapy. New to blogging myself. Still trying to figure out how to do it. Not sure how much I will share in this public forum.