Just because I KNOW it is transference

Doesn't make it easier.

T and I have spent quite a bit of the last few sessions talking about "our" relationship. And how uncomfortable it is for me to tell her what she means to me. So I'm realizing that I am projecting feelings of wanting to be mothered or to have an intimate friend on her, and she, in her therapist way, is filling those roles. In a recent session, she mentioned that she "tells" me more about herself than other patients and she was wondering if I was interpreting that as "friendship" or as a sign that she likes me. And I had to admit Yes. I think that bothered her - she was using this disclosure (I think) as a way to build trust. Although I think I knew that on some level, I also thought we were just talking because we are (1) similar ages (2)both physicians (3) share similar humor. So it seems a bit forced now - where I analyze what she says to me and wonder how she processes what I say to her. We have a two week break and the week back will likely be a bit of "fluff" and then she is off for a week or two. So - it will take a while to get back into this discussion.

One book I've read on vacation is The Talking Cure. It is a quick read dealing with how psychotherapy alters the brain. I found it interesting to discover that this therapist seems to be constantly processing what the patient is saying with her own interpretations and then reprocessing in order to determine how much of her bias she is interjecting, before responding. Must be exhausting.

Fiction books about therapy

A couple of books were recommended to me by a therapist friend. I'm in the midst of one AUGUST by Judith Rossner. A bit outdated (I think it's from the 70s) and boring at times, but interesting to read about the therapeutic relationship.

I've read a few others (mainly by Yalom). Anyone have other suggestions of fiction books dealing with the therapeutic relationship?

It all comes down to the mother again

So this past week in therapy, we were discussing my ability to express my anger/dissatisfaction at her the previous week. In the midst of this conversation, T threw in a comment about my mother. I've having difficulty bringing back what she said because it was so jarring in the moment. I did ask her about why she brought my mother up at that point and I don't remember what she said. She knows that I have many negative feelings about my mother. I've come to two conclusions -

1) She brought up a negative image (mother) in the midst of me talking about caring about her as a T and a person in an attempt to have me care less about her.

2) She's laying the ground to explore that when I obsess about her being gone, I'm dredging up abandonment issues related to my mother and when I get angry at perhaps misinterpret something - it's because I'm channeling anger to my mother.

Something to talk about this week. I sometimes despise therapists using these "techniques" to draw the lines between things present and things past.

Quote on sleeping

"I've always envied people who sleep easily. Their brains must be cleaner, the floorboards of the skull well swept, all the little monsters closed up in a steamer trunk at the foot of the bed."

from City of Thieves by David Benioff

Good read, BTW.

EMDR anyone?

After a rough session last week - one that felt very disconnected - this week was good. I was able to vent all my anger/frustration/doubts/worries about last week, our relationship and therapy in general. One thing I was able to vocalize more clearly was my concern that she did not have enough experience to deal with helping me work through the abuse and wondering if I should see a "specialist". In the course of that discussion, she brought up EMDR as something she has been "holding in the back of my mind as a possibility for you". She does not do EMDR so I would have to go to someone else.

So my question - I know what EMDR is - I did a bit of reading about it early on. Has anyone been through this and willing to share the experience?