Anger

I am angry! I am angry at my therapist and my mother and my past. I think this is a good thing, although I don't feel good about it in the present. I think it is good because I am at least feeling feelings and attempting to work through them.

So - after talking with my mother, she called back yesterday to let me know how horrible her life has been, etc. It's the same as usual. Alhough I know she is sorry for what happened to me in the past, it has now become about her and how little she is sleeping and how she could kill herself, etc. This of course makes me feel awful. I would feel awful if she actually did harm herself. But I also feel awful because I really don't care right now. She laid a lot of things out for me and I am trying to deal with it. I can't deal with her at the same time.

Now for my therapist - I journalled about everything my mother told me and how I felt. It was raw and painful. I wanted to email it to her so she could read it ahead of time. I am really afraid I will go in next week and clam up and not want to talk about it. Plus some of it is SO awkward to talk about. So I left a voicemail for her asking if there was some way I could email it to her - that I wasn't worried about privacy issues since she lives alone. She could print it off and delete it.

She doesn't work Thursday or Friday and I left this voicemail early yesterday. She called me back this afternoon and left a message on my phone. Basically that she thinks I need to print them out and bring them in at my usual time and we can talk about it in the moment and talk about the awkwardness. That email really didn't work for her. That really pissed me off - to the point of wanting to cancel my appointment next week and perhaps forever. Childish I know. I thought -
1) she doesn't want to have to think about this awful stuff outside the office
2) I am angry that I couldn't vent to her - she is one of three people who know my history and she knows the most. I called one of my friends and her child was home sick and she couldn't talk and I had no time alone with my husband.
3) I am angry that she doesn't work on Thursday and Friday - again silly. She called me back from her house. I was tempted to call her back at home. She's never given me her number, but it comes up on caller ID. I hate going through her receptionist, leaving a voicemail and waiting for her to call back.
4) I don't abuse the above - I think now I have called her 4 times in a year and a half outside of appointment changes (which are also not frequent). We have talked about my bringing this up with my mother to see what she would disclose. Unfortunately - I didn't time it on Monday night before my Tuesday appointment.

Having ranted about all of the above, I know that part of my anger is related to her not being there in the same way that my mother wasn't there for me when I was young and isn't there for me now. That doesn't make it easier to deal with. I rarely lean on others for support - now I want to and she is not available.

For the record - I left her another voicemail to tell her that I was angry. Now I am embarassed that I did that, but in the long run, probably not a bad thing.

Phone call to my mother

I've been working my nerve up for some time and finally I picked up the phone yesterday to ask my mother about my abuse. T said I likely needed some validation that the abuse had happened. I disagreed with her - I had no doubt that it happened - I do have some specific memories. I guess I wanted to hear what she would say AND try to figure out how long she knew about it before doing something. Needless to say, the question was a surprise to her and she at first danced around the issue for a few minutes. To put this in perspective - I am 50, my mother is 75 and this abuse happened between the ages of 5 and 11. So this has been on her mind for some time. She was confused about the dates - she said she discovered it when I was 5, but they divorced when I was 11, so she was wrong about that. In no way did she make it seem like the abuse was my fault, but she did seem to blame me for not telling her. Comments like - "You didn't say anything. Things happen. I'm sorry." and "He's dead now so you don't have to worry anymore." and "You have to watch your kids like a hawk." She disclosed that she "could have sent him to jail" but didn't because his mother begged her not to. I've always thought she got a better divorce settlement because she had this to hang over his head. She told me that he had abused "a lot" of girls including two of his nieces. She apparently didn't know this until after the fact, although I remember spending time with this family during my childhood. She said that the girls' father "ran him off". This is not true - because as I said, we spent time together as children.

The worse thing about all this is that she disclosed specific things about the abuse of which I have NO memory. So I know there is more buried in my mind. I wasn't prepared for that part of this. I phoned the T yesterday to let her know I had called her. I didn't specifically ask for her to call me back, and she hasn't :(((

Disclosure and healing

Although much of the time, I don't feel like I have progressed much in the last year, when I sit and assess where I am today, I realize I have come a long way. Compared to a year ago when I first disclosed to my therapist I have -

1) Told my husband about my childhood abuse
2) Slept better - although I still don't feel well rested most days
3) Told one other friend about my abuse
4) Discussed things in this "anonymous" forum
5) Continued with therapy on a weekly basis
6) Read a lot about abuse and its effects

I feel like I am nearing another step in the process, because I am -

1) Thinking about who else I might share my story with. I was with two friends over the weekend, chatting about kids and life and I started wondering about what their reaction would be if I disclosed my abuse history to them.
2) I am seriously thinking about a dinner out with a friend that I might share my story with.
3) I am thinking of telling my 16 year old daughter.
4) I am thinking of bringing it up to my mother - I called her once last week and if she had been home, I am certain I would have asked her (in a non threatening way) about what she might tell me.
5) I came across a local support group that started recently. Almost like karma - I was at the hairdressers and saw the ad in the paper. I have emailed to ask about it and I have done some research on the founder of the group. I have considered this but am not sure I ready for the public.

Just wondering about others on their journey - have you shared your story with others? How did you choose your audience? Any advice on how to proceed?

I have a session today - this seems like a good topic to fill 45 minutes :)

Thanks for the comments

Thanks to those who commented on how they might prepare for therapy. My T has responded to some of my concerns and brought up a topic she feels might need some exploring at our next session. As I feel myself nearing the end of therapy, I find myself missing her. I do feel "close" to her.

I'm sure I have more issues related to the abuse to work on. It just doesn't seem to be a high priority for me right now. In fact, at one point, it seemed like all I did was think of the abuse and related things. Now, I rarely find myself thinking about it. Perhaps avoidance.

Preparing for therapy

A question for those of you who stop by here - well two questions :)
1) Do you "prepare" for therapy?
2) If so, what do you do?

Sometimes I go in cold without even thinking about it during the day. These are usually busy days at work. Funny - sometimes these sessions seem worthless because there is not much to talk about (and then I feel guilty somehow). Other times, these unrehearsed sessions yield good discussions.

Sometimes, I go over what I might have jotted down from the previous week (here or in my private journal) and write down a few topics. It usually takes me awhile to ease into my list. But eventually I do and I feel like I've accomplished something at the end.

On the weeks when I don't go in with a list - I usually ask my T what she would like to talk about and whether she has anything on her list. Without fail, she always defers back to me. I find this frustrating. We have been meeting for about a year and a half. Surely some things have come up that she would like to go into deeper. But that makes it her agenda and not mine.

So - speak up. How does it work for you? And therapists out there - do your patients have lists? Do you ever bring up the topics or do you always defer to the patient?

Oh - and a follow up. Last week - I discussed nearly everything in my previous post and cleared up some things. The boundary issues are raw now with my friend next door. For now, I will try to work through those.

And - I like my therapist. My venting here is more about the relationship and not so much about her.

Therapy funk continues

So - for the second time in my 1.5 years with my therapist, I left a message after this week's session to let her know I was in a therapy funk. I came out of this week's session unsatisfied - it happens but usually resolves with processing - and remained so for much of yesterday.

First - my therapist acquaintance who moved into the office next to my T was there on Tuesday. Her door was closed, she was in session and I could occasionally hear her voice. I found this incredibly distracting. So, now I'm thinking of changing my day/time to avoid her.

Second - during the initial phase of therapy this week, I commented on the fact that my friend was there and in session. My T said - "Do you know she's there or could she have left?" I explained that I had seen her car in the lot and had not heard any doors closing while waiting for her. (she ran over with the patient before and was about 10 minutes late for me) This led to T commenting on how observant and aware I am of things around me. Which led to her commenting that I had to be this way - I had to hear the creak of the stair, the door opening etc. Which led to me rebelling with "I don't need to hear it now - I'm not being abused now". I get tired of everything going back to the abuse. She commented that my body is "wired" that way - to respond, to be hyperaware, etc. I asked "how do we fix that?"

That led to a discussion of EMDR - which I've read about and am familiar with. My T does not do EMDR. So she commented that if I was interested in this I would "have to tell my story to someone else". I don't know - it was the way she said it or the way I heard it - but it came across as almost judging me - the second half of the sentence in my mind was "and we know you are not strong enough to do that".

I then asked her about attachment and told her that I thought a natural consequence of my abuse was that I have an issue with attachment. She wanted to know what context I was speaking about and what I had read. Part of me was thinking - shouldn't you know what attachment is and be telling me about the theory and agreeing that this might be an issue for me. Instead - she said she didn't think I had an issue with attachment because I had attachment with my husband and kids.

This led to me reminding her that I don't feel that close to my husband - that we don't "talk" about the big issues. We just exist (but it's worked well for 22 years). That's not to say we don't talk about things like how best to handle something with the kids or whether we should buy a new house or whether one of us should change our career path. But we don't talk about feelings, my abuse, sex, etc...... And she knows that - so that bothered me.

So having vented all this - I will say - I like my T. I would like her if I met her outside of therapy. At first, I thought she would have all the answers. Perhaps now I am realizing that she is human. BUT- I know that much of how I view life and handle situations and avoid intimacy is directly related to my childhood abuse. I know I can't change that, but I would like some guidance in working through it and going forward. I survive fine day to day - most would never guess my past. And she knows all this - I just don't feel like I'm moving forward.

Another caveat - there is a lot of additional stress in my life right now - work stress, nephew situation, daughter's surgery, depressed mother...... So perhaps I am too sensitive right now. She did call back last night and left a message on my cell. Something along the lines of "I'm glad you called (she said that twice), we need to talk about this, I'd suggest you come next week at your regular time and we can talk about a different time to meet. Or if you want to call beforehand, we can talk briefly about it on the phone." Her tone sounded annoyed and it sounded like she slammed down the phone. Although probably neither is true.

So - I continue in my therapy funk. :((

Compartmentalizing

Is that a word?

One lasting effect of my abuse has been my ability to compartmentalize my feelings. Or perhaps I have developed the ability to "not feel". I suspect that is how I handled the abuse at the time - by dissociating and not feeling. I rarely cry - when I do, it is usually in anger or frustration.

An example in my current life - an unthinkable thing is going on in my extended family right now. My teenage nephew suffered an anaphylactic reaction over the weekend and is now basically brain dead. Although he has some brainstem function, so if they turn off the ventilator, he may live in a vegetative state. I can't imagine the emotions my brother is feeling right now. I am providing telephone support to him, and in the moment during the calls, I have intense feelings with tears in my eyes and a knot in my stomach. But - I can turn it off and have been able to function fine at work in between phone calls.

I wonder if this is normal.