So - for the second time in my 1.5 years with my therapist, I left a message after this week's session to let her know I was in a therapy funk. I came out of this week's session unsatisfied - it happens but usually resolves with processing - and remained so for much of yesterday.
First - my therapist acquaintance who moved into the office next to my T was there on Tuesday. Her door was closed, she was in session and I could occasionally hear her voice. I found this incredibly distracting. So, now I'm thinking of changing my day/time to avoid her.
Second - during the initial phase of therapy this week, I commented on the fact that my friend was there and in session. My T said - "Do you know she's there or could she have left?" I explained that I had seen her car in the lot and had not heard any doors closing while waiting for her. (she ran over with the patient before and was about 10 minutes late for me) This led to T commenting on how observant and aware I am of things around me. Which led to her commenting that I had to be this way - I had to hear the creak of the stair, the door opening etc. Which led to me rebelling with "I don't need to hear it now - I'm not being abused now". I get tired of everything going back to the abuse. She commented that my body is "wired" that way - to respond, to be hyperaware, etc. I asked "how do we fix that?"
That led to a discussion of EMDR - which I've read about and am familiar with. My T does not do EMDR. So she commented that if I was interested in this I would "have to tell my story to someone else". I don't know - it was the way she said it or the way I heard it - but it came across as almost judging me - the second half of the sentence in my mind was "and we know you are not strong enough to do that".
I then asked her about attachment and told her that I thought a natural consequence of my abuse was that I have an issue with attachment. She wanted to know what context I was speaking about and what I had read. Part of me was thinking - shouldn't you know what attachment is and be telling me about the theory and agreeing that this might be an issue for me. Instead - she said she didn't think I had an issue with attachment because I had attachment with my husband and kids.
This led to me reminding her that I don't feel that close to my husband - that we don't "talk" about the big issues. We just exist (but it's worked well for 22 years). That's not to say we don't talk about things like how best to handle something with the kids or whether we should buy a new house or whether one of us should change our career path. But we don't talk about feelings, my abuse, sex, etc...... And she knows that - so that bothered me.
So having vented all this - I will say - I like my T. I would like her if I met her outside of therapy. At first, I thought she would have all the answers. Perhaps now I am realizing that she is human. BUT- I know that much of how I view life and handle situations and avoid intimacy is directly related to my childhood abuse. I know I can't change that, but I would like some guidance in working through it and going forward. I survive fine day to day - most would never guess my past. And she knows all this - I just don't feel like I'm moving forward.
Another caveat - there is a lot of additional stress in my life right now - work stress, nephew situation, daughter's surgery, depressed mother...... So perhaps I am too sensitive right now. She did call back last night and left a message on my cell. Something along the lines of "I'm glad you called (she said that twice), we need to talk about this, I'd suggest you come next week at your regular time and we can talk about a different time to meet. Or if you want to call beforehand, we can talk briefly about it on the phone." Her tone sounded annoyed and it sounded like she slammed down the phone. Although probably neither is true.
So - I continue in my therapy funk. :((