Sunday, April 26, 2009

Therapy - Pros and Cons

Just a free association here. Last week's session was pretty good. I have been going for nearly a year and am thinking about what I hope to accomplish.

Good things about therapy -
1. I have a place where I can (theoretically) talk about anything for 45-50 minutes/week. With someone who is (theoretically) not judgemental. It does feel like a safe place. She is only one of two people that know my history AND the only one I can talk to (besides here).
2. I like my T. This is also a bad thing. It's not just transference - at least I don't think it is. She is someone I would like if meeting her for the first time at a social gathering. I had one other T that I did not feel this way about, so I don't think it is just transference.

Bad things about therapy -
1. I seem to spend much of the week after having sessions in my head. The problem is that the next session never seems to go the way I imagine. More likely than not, we sit without talking for awhile. And I get nervous and anxious, even though I like her. Perhaps that is part of the problem. I think if she sees all my insecurities - she won't like me.
2. I don't know the end point. She talked about trying to fuse the inner child with the capable adult. I claim, but I'm not that child anymore. She says "Oh but you are." This is hard to get.

This has been an up and down week. Funny how I can blow small things out of proportion in my mind and spoil my mood.

I'm sure I will think about more for the list.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Spotless Mind - Ruminating

So I woke up early and could not get back to sleep. The amount of rumination done in that hour and a half could fill several months of therapy sessions. Made me think of The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and how nice it would be to wipe my mind clean. Things racing through my mind at that hour included -
1 - What did my child mind focus on during the abuse? I've forgotten large chunks of my childhood and I've read it's because I likely dissociated. So where was I and what did I think? And do I really want to recover those memories?
2- Therapy - I find it very difficult to talk during a session, yet I can have multiple sessions in my mind with T. Including the back and forth of what we each say.
3 - In thinking of clearing my mind of everything - the good things popped up that I want to keep. Like my children. Looking at my littlest - he is at an age where I was during the abuse - he is so sweet and innocent. I love his laugh, his giggle, his imagination, his sparkle in his eyes. I have no good memories of childhood. No fun, no sparkle. I often wonder what child I could have been had my situation been different. I also cannot imagine someone wanting to hurt a child like him.
4 - I have fear of cracking this hard outer coat because I think the underneath is quite fragile.
5- Why I feel like an idiot when I don't know something - replaying last night's meeting and the fact that I didn't know the answer to a question. So I called myself an idiot on the way home.
6 - Thinking of T - and the move. I suspect it will be hard for both of us.
7 - My fear of the dark.

That's it for now.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Beginning to blog

I follow many blogs about trauma and therapy. New to blogging myself. Still trying to figure out how to do it. Not sure how much I will share in this public forum.