Wednesday, May 19, 2010



I've read a lot of books and blogs about healing from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. In some I am struck by how "up" everything is. There was a journey and a process and now there is

How do you know this?
Is there a light bulb that goes off that says "I've felt good for x number of months"?
Is it because your therapist thinks you are done and gives you a get out jail card?
Is it because you have well defined goals and those are now met?
Is it a conscious decision about not dwelling on the past but moving to the future?

Some of the above are tongue in cheek and I am sure that even those who have moved past my stage (whatever that is) will say they are still in the process. That there is no endpoint.

I still find it difficult to believe that 45 years of feelings (shame, guilt, inferiority.... pick your own) can be altered dramatically. I feel like I still have to find that one book or one person who can show me things can be different in my mind.

I sound down and maybe I am a little. That roller coaster ride of therapy. I think last night my T tried to change the session a bit in response to my comments last week. It came off seeming forced (lots of "tell me what you are thinking right now about what I just said") and was jarring. I went in thinking we had cleared the air last week and would get down to business, but it seemed "off" somehow. Historically, after a session where I've voiced concerns about the process and my progress, I've always thought she was distant the next session, like boundaries are being redrawn. Or is she like that because I think she is?? Or the proverbial circle.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Therapy update

After writing the last post about my anniversary date, I also spent time reading all my previous entries in my private journal. This was about 60 entries over a year and a half time span, many written in conjunction with reading "Courage To Heal". I was struck by what has been almost a roller coaster ride - the doubts I expressed in the last post about continuing with therapy were played out several times over the past two years.

So - I went in poised to express this thought about quitting and/or changing. One thing that has become clear to me is that I have changed in this time frame. Although it was awkward and embarrassing at times to express my unhappiness with lack of progress and her lack of feedback, I was able to talk about it and put it all on the table. I'm not sure I could have done that early in therapy. I admitted that I don't think I am done with therapy - I still realize that I am a "closed" and "cautious" person who holds feelings tight (if experienced at all). I admitted that I need to deal with being able to express my feelings, BUT that she needed to figure out the way to get me to talk about feelings. I'm not being resistant on purpose - it's just a difficult process.

So - I will stay on for at least awhile longer. I still have some doubts as to whether she can help me go any further with processing the abuse. I'm not sure I know what I need in that respect. But she does listen and I can talk to her. Perhaps she can help with the effects of the abuse.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Anniversary Date

So last week was my two year anniversary with my therapist. As is typical for me, I asked her where she thought we were (or perhaps where she thought I was relative to two years ago) and if she had any thoughts as to where we might go. As is typical for her, she punted the question back to me, because of course "It's all about me". I'm just not sure if I can do this anymore. It seems as if we have been stagnant for some time in the sessions. I asked her about her training for EMDR. She doesn't think she will. I'm considering termination. Or searching for a new T. The last option is anxiety provoking.

I had a dream that I quit therapy in quite a rude way - cancelling an appointment, telling her on the phone that I was quitting, telling her to count me as one of her failures. Like I was trying to hurt her. I'm sure that is saying something about where my mind is now. And I'm not that sort of person.

I will talk about this with her next week, but I am not hopeful. We've had similar discussions before.

Do others find that their therapists challenge them?