Nablopomo - apology?

Today's prompt is whether I owe anyone an apology, and if so, why?

I guess I could think of lots of reasons to apologize to people.

Therapist - apologize for asking questions that lead to disclosures

Husband - apologize for not telling him my secret years ago

Inner child - apologize for not being able to access you to feel your pain

I'm sure I could go on, but this is enough for now.

An aha moment

Man I am an epic fail at this blogging thing - my last post was December 21. I haven't been writing in my private journal either. Perhaps my T is right - I am in avoidance mode now.

At any rate - I've been thinking a lot about issues related to trust and power lately. I've had some conflict lately with my teen daughter over studying, grades, etc. She is so much more self confident than I was at her age (perhaps even now in some areas) almost to the point of being defiant. Thinking about it this weekend, I thought that her defiance (which is really individualization) is triggering for me. And I wondered if that is because I am angry at my own "inner child" for not being more defiant and standing up to the abuse. Now, I am not big on "inner child" work - probably because it involves feelings. I've also never thought that I blamed myself in the past - but maybe I am on some level. Having a strong confident daughter has brought that out in me.

Food for therapy today.

Oh - and things are much better with the daughter now - she's one of those get it out in a dramatic way and then move on. I'm the ruminator who dwells on the same things over and over. It was good to hear what she was feeling and clear the air.

OLJ

Picture this

Blue sky - I mean deep blue sky
Warm air - around 70
Sunshine

Outside raking leaves, pulling weeds and spent tomato vines.

With hubby, 10 year old son and dog.

Taking breaks to swing.

What a lovely weekend.

Hope others had some beauty this weekend. :)

Books

So I've been making my way through various books as I go through this "process". Although right now I am taking a break - things just got too intense last week.

Books I've finished:
Trauma and Recovery by Hermann
Courage to Heal by Bass and Davis
Surviving Childhool Sexual Abuse by Ainscott

Books I've read parts of:
Courage to Heal handbook
I Can't Get Over It
Healing From the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse

I've considered buying "Treating the Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse" because I am interested in the therapy process.

Many books have things that "speak" to me and many things that don't seem to apply. I am interested in reading more about the "inner child" and the feelings I went through at the time. I have a difficult time feeling now.

Anybody have a book they want to recommend, or comments on what I've read so far?

Struggling

I am really struggling right now with all aspects of the healing process -

1) Telling others - Most of the books I have read recommend finding someone to share the healing journey. I am having a hard time imagining this. I have told my husband, but we haven't talked about it since. I'm not sure I will share more with him. As I talk to friends, the possibility of telling is always there. But I don't and I'm not sure I will. It's hard enough to talk with T. Right now, putting it down on paper (or computer screen) is the best I can do.

2) Memories - Parts of me want to remember more and yet I am afraid to remember. Again, from what I've read, it seems like survivors remember bits and pieces as they go through the process. I have a set memory (I remember parts of three or four experiences but given the time span know there must be more) and more hasn't come. I do have olfactory memories. I smell cigarette smoke (usually when reading in bed at night) even though no one has smoked in my house. It takes my breath away. The smell of sweat and cheap beer set me off.

3) Inner child - So much is written about the inner child and finding the inner child and being kind to that child. I suspect that inner child is the same as my private personna in my previous post. I'm pretty sure I don't like that kid.

4) Therapy - Although I have GREAT sessions in my head with T, I clam up in person. That drives me crazy. I'm hoping I can talk her into at least receiving emails. I don't mind typing and once you push the send button, you can't take it back. And I don't expect her to spend time writing back. Just reading them and bringing them out in session.

5) Pervasive thoughts - Even though I've decided to cut back on some of my reading, "it" is there all the time. I've thought about charting the number of times I think about the abuse, my reading, my T during the day. That would be hard because it seems to be there all the time.

Public vs private personna

I have been visiting lots of sites in order to aid in my healing process. This in addition to reading several books, going to therapy and journalling. It has become evident to me that many people have developed DID in order to cope with their abuse. Although it is likely that I dissociated during the abuse (hence why I remember bits and pieces and have lost large chunks of my memory about my childhood), I'm pretty sure I do not qualify as DID. That being said, I do have two different personalities -
1) The public personna - this is the successful female, doctor, wife, mother. I appear in control and generally do a good job in all of these areas. I have friends, a social life. I'm respected at work - often a go to person. I'm a good listener - people confide in me. I know things about some of my friends that their spouses don't know. I am not saying any of this to brag. I don't understand why all of this doesn't make me feel good inside. Then there is the private person in my head.
2) The private personna - the one who doesn't feel success despite evidence to the contrary. The one who frequently has a knot in her stomach. The one who doubts her parenting skills and her friendships. Although the inner person feels mostly confident about the job, sometimes the littlest thing can set off waves of doubt. The one who feels like a failure at therapy because I don't talk about the things I've read during the week.

I am really tired of this feeling. T thinks I am pushing myself too hard to get through this. She says there is no timetable or quick fix. I'm beginning to wonder is there will ever be a fix. How does someone heal after 40 years of doubt? I think I will take a break from the reading, but will still go to therapy. At least for now.

Spotless Mind - Ruminating

So I woke up early and could not get back to sleep. The amount of rumination done in that hour and a half could fill several months of therapy sessions. Made me think of The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and how nice it would be to wipe my mind clean. Things racing through my mind at that hour included -
1 - What did my child mind focus on during the abuse? I've forgotten large chunks of my childhood and I've read it's because I likely dissociated. So where was I and what did I think? And do I really want to recover those memories?
2- Therapy - I find it very difficult to talk during a session, yet I can have multiple sessions in my mind with T. Including the back and forth of what we each say.
3 - In thinking of clearing my mind of everything - the good things popped up that I want to keep. Like my children. Looking at my littlest - he is at an age where I was during the abuse - he is so sweet and innocent. I love his laugh, his giggle, his imagination, his sparkle in his eyes. I have no good memories of childhood. No fun, no sparkle. I often wonder what child I could have been had my situation been different. I also cannot imagine someone wanting to hurt a child like him.
4 - I have fear of cracking this hard outer coat because I think the underneath is quite fragile.
5- Why I feel like an idiot when I don't know something - replaying last night's meeting and the fact that I didn't know the answer to a question. So I called myself an idiot on the way home.
6 - Thinking of T - and the move. I suspect it will be hard for both of us.
7 - My fear of the dark.

That's it for now.