So I woke up early and could not get back to sleep. The amount of rumination done in that hour and a half could fill several months of therapy sessions. Made me think of The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and how nice it would be to wipe my mind clean. Things racing through my mind at that hour included -
1 - What did my child mind focus on during the abuse? I've forgotten large chunks of my childhood and I've read it's because I likely dissociated. So where was I and what did I think? And do I really want to recover those memories?
2- Therapy - I find it very difficult to talk during a session, yet I can have multiple sessions in my mind with T. Including the back and forth of what we each say.
3 - In thinking of clearing my mind of everything - the good things popped up that I want to keep. Like my children. Looking at my littlest - he is at an age where I was during the abuse - he is so sweet and innocent. I love his laugh, his giggle, his imagination, his sparkle in his eyes. I have no good memories of childhood. No fun, no sparkle. I often wonder what child I could have been had my situation been different. I also cannot imagine someone wanting to hurt a child like him.
4 - I have fear of cracking this hard outer coat because I think the underneath is quite fragile.
5- Why I feel like an idiot when I don't know something - replaying last night's meeting and the fact that I didn't know the answer to a question. So I called myself an idiot on the way home.
6 - Thinking of T - and the move. I suspect it will be hard for both of us.
7 - My fear of the dark.
That's it for now.