Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Spotless Mind - Ruminating

So I woke up early and could not get back to sleep. The amount of rumination done in that hour and a half could fill several months of therapy sessions. Made me think of The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and how nice it would be to wipe my mind clean. Things racing through my mind at that hour included -
1 - What did my child mind focus on during the abuse? I've forgotten large chunks of my childhood and I've read it's because I likely dissociated. So where was I and what did I think? And do I really want to recover those memories?
2- Therapy - I find it very difficult to talk during a session, yet I can have multiple sessions in my mind with T. Including the back and forth of what we each say.
3 - In thinking of clearing my mind of everything - the good things popped up that I want to keep. Like my children. Looking at my littlest - he is at an age where I was during the abuse - he is so sweet and innocent. I love his laugh, his giggle, his imagination, his sparkle in his eyes. I have no good memories of childhood. No fun, no sparkle. I often wonder what child I could have been had my situation been different. I also cannot imagine someone wanting to hurt a child like him.
4 - I have fear of cracking this hard outer coat because I think the underneath is quite fragile.
5- Why I feel like an idiot when I don't know something - replaying last night's meeting and the fact that I didn't know the answer to a question. So I called myself an idiot on the way home.
6 - Thinking of T - and the move. I suspect it will be hard for both of us.
7 - My fear of the dark.

That's it for now.


  1. Hey, thanks for putting me up as a link. Welcome to blogging - do you mind if I add you to my list as well?

  2. Sanity -
    Thanks for the welcome. Oops - am I supposed to ask before listing blogs I read? New to this stuff.

  3. Nah nah...I usually just ask to be considerate but I think the general consensus is just to add w/o asking. No one is going to complain about the extra traffic their site gets!

    It's kinda neat to be surfing random blogs and find that someone has linked you though...makes you feel a bit connected to this big o'l blogging online world where it is easy to get lost in the mix!

  4. Yes - in dealing with my "issues", I have been blog surfing. Blogs that deal with sex abuse issues and blogs about the therapeutic process. The similarities in the client-therapist relationship continue to amaze me. Much of the time, I thought I was the only person who had certain issues with therapy.