Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Buried memories - Warning - may trigger some

I've debated about sharing some of the details about my abuse. Particularly those recently revealed by my mother. I still have this fear that someone in my everyday life will discover this blog and realize that I am the author. I've decided to go ahead and take that chance.

So - I've always known I was sexually abused as a child by my stepfather - the father of my younger brother. My memories are vague - but I can date them from about age 8 to age 11. Most of what I remember occured in the night - but those memories are more about things I did to avoid the abuse - like stay up late with my older brother watching TV (I specifically remember my abuser coming to check multiple times to see if I was in bed yet). Another avoidance was carrying my younger brother into my mother's room to put him bed with her - this was after I chose to sleep in his bed - thinking it might protect me from abuse that night. Of course, that woke my mother up, which did protect me that night. I remember the next morning, my abuser cornering me in the kitchen to tell me that "if I did something like that again, he would kill my mother." This seemed plausible as we three children witnessed their fights on multiple occasions and called the police a couple of times. Although she wasn't saving me from the abuse, the alternative of being without my mother must have been very frightening. The only phyisical things I remember was one specific time when he kept me home from school in the morning - I'm suspecting the reason I remember was because that was daytime and I could *see* him. Again, I don't remember pain at that time - I remember saliva and fingers. And being dropped late at school. And wishing that I could tell someone why.

These memories have always been there, although I have been able to put them aside and move on with life. I've escaped from my life of poverty. I'm the only one in my family to graduate from high school, much less college and medical school. I think one thing that helped me through adolescence is my involvement in church at the time. Although my beliefs are nearly 180 degrees different now, the church youth group provided a social outlet for me.

Fast forward to now - my memories have become more intrusive as my children get older. I think having a teenage daughter and going through menopause pushed me to the point of needing to *deal* with my issues. For those who have read my (short) blog, you know that since I started therapy almost a year and a half ago, I have disclosed my abuse history to my therapist, a close college friend and my husband. And last week, I asked my mother about my childhood.

After a brief avoidance ("what about your childhood?"), when I asked about my abuser, she said "Oh he molested you". I asked how she found out about it - she said I was "having a problem pooping" so she took me to the doctor who discovered I had been abused. He referred me to the emergency room (I do have a memory of that visit and hearing the word hymen as an 11 year old) where they confirmed that I had been sodomized and raped (my words - I don't think my mother knows those words). My mother told me that I told her at that time that he took me to his room at night after she went to work. She worked nights for 6 years, from age 5 to 11 for me.

This is what is hard for me now. The abuse is validated (I had no doubt), but it is worse than my memories. There must have been a lot of pain. I have absolutely no memory of pain. So - I wonder if these memories will ever surface. I don't think I want them to or need them to at this point. But I worry about what I will do if they come back.

So that's at least most of my story. So much of what I'm experiencing and feeling right now ties in with posts on multiple blogs. Avoidance of touch, needing hugs, trigger warnings, religion. It is good to think about all of these things.

My T is gone for a week so it will a two week hiatus before I see her again. I will be interested to see where we go from here. (Although I know I will have to take us there :)

Amazingly, I am doing well. I think the anxiety that built up over not talking with my mother is now released. So - in the moment - I am good.

OLJ

11 comments:

  1. Glad you are OK right now.

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

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  2. I'm glad you're feeling ok. That's a lot of disclosure, and it's good that you feel some relief from getting it all out. I'm so sad that this happened to you, it really sucks - I don't understand people who hurt children, I really don't.

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  3. being brave with the self-disclosure OLJ. :)

    non-intrusive virtual hugs

    WG

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  4. I'm glad you are doing ok too, and am amazed at your bravery and honesty in confronting this. Thinking of you (and I hope that you get through the break ok).xx

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  5. Thanks for the comments. It was a lot of disclosure, but it was time for me to do it. Now I will become all analytical and try to figure out 1) why different folks are affected in different ways by similar abuse, and 2) what is likely in store for me in the future as far as memories surfacing.

    OLJ

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  6. That was a lot of disclosure, OLJ, and very brave of you to share. I'm so sorry that happened to you when you were so young. I'm glad you are ok and found some relief in the disclosing. ((OLJ)) safe ones, of course.

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  7. Hi, OLJ -

    This was very brave of you to post . . and to even attempt to uncover the truth by asking questions! I am proud of you!

    - Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)

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  8. Thanks Kerro and Marie for stopping by and for the comments. Still feeling relief at this point. Wondering when the ball will drop.

    OLJ

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  9. I think what you mean about the abuse being worse than the memories, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that according to the memories, the impact should not be as severe as it is? If that's what you are saying, maybe it helps to know that this is completely common.

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  10. Good for you for opening up about this. Don't be afraid of people finding out who you are. Your giving yourself a voice for once.

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  11. Paul -
    Actually what I was trying to express is somewhat the opposite of what you said. Given what my mother told me, my actual abuse was worse than what I remember, so in some ways, the impact should be greater. It amazes me that I have absolutely no recall of certain things. And it worries me to think I may start to recall such things. Most books that I read regarding memories lead me to believe that I *will* remember more at some point.

    Erin -
    Thanks for stopping by. I will check out your blog. I have been considering who of my long term friends I might tell (poor sentence construction). It's an odd feeling - wondering what the response will be - Pity? And is that so bad?

    OLJ

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