So after a few back and forths with my therapist, I finally met with her last night. I printed out my private journals related to the phone call with my mother. I also journalled what I wanted to cover in this session including my anger at her for seeming dismissive about things. I printed that out and took it in.
It was a good session. We stayed on task. We got through a lot of material. Albeit, somewhat superficially due to time constraints. I felt like she listened and cared. She commented that she was worried that I would view her voicemail as "dismissive". We talked about the phone calls with my mother. She validated my belief that it is "all about my mother". She has continued to call me every day, but not once has she asked how I am doing. My T made a leap of faith - she said she didn't think my mother would injure herself (obviously she is basing this only on what I have told her), but even if she did, it would not be my fault. There is an ugly part of me that really doesn't care at this point.
The only downside to the session was that since I was so focused on what I had written and wanted to get through, I probably listened less than usual. My memory of what SHE said is not great. But I do know it felt right at the time.
One of the things I addressed with her was my concern that her experience with CSA survivors is not broad (by her own admission). We talked about the fact that she might consult with someone who works more frequently in the area. At one point, I would have thought that to be awful. Now, I welcome it.
So glad it was a good session, it must have been difficult. The time issue is always a problem, isn't it? For me there is either too much of it, or not enough. As for the part of you that isn't caring about whether your mother will hurt herself, well, it's not ugly. It's human.
ReplyDeleteI am also gald you had a good session. You may have listened less but at least you got to say what you needed to.
ReplyDeleteWritten stuff often helps me remember what I need to say since my mind often goes blank when I walk into the room.
I also think the fact that she would consult shows that she cares.
Harriet - you are so right - either there is too much time and we sit and stare at each other until *I* break the stare or there is not enough time. The latter hasn't happened much with me, but I was worried about it this week. And we did go over a bit - she is a 45 minute session therapist - we probably went closer to 55 minutes.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that didn't happen is that I would have liked a hug or pat on the back or something.
inamaze - I am glad she is willing to consult with someone else.
OLJ
It can be really helpful to do some homework and collect what you've written and present it and talk about it. There will be other times when you will listen more. For you what you did was what you needed to do.
ReplyDeletePaul
Thanks Paul - I told T last night that I was so focused on getting through things during our last session that I didn't "hear" much of she said. Her comment was something along the lines of "If I said something really important, it will surface again down the way".
ReplyDeleteShe did suggest that I consider writing more about what I do remember of my abuse - not sure I want to do that at this point.