Sunday, February 28, 2010

Therapy, thus far

So after a particularly bad session (you know the the type - nothing to say - staring at each other in awkward silence) this week, I've been evaluating what has been accomplished thus far in nearly two years.

The good -
1) I've disclosed everything I remember about my abuse.
2) I've told T, my husband and I've put it here.
3) I've broached the subject with my mother and learned a few more things.
4) I think I feel more secure in my parenting skills.
5) I don't think about the abuse nearly as much as I used to.

The bad -
1) My relationship with my husband is not what it was - it is more distant without much intimacy (physical and emotional).
2) My relationship with my mother is not what is was - I can barely stand to talk with her. She is now depressed again and somehow I feel guilty for this.
3) Instead of thinking about the abuse, I now think about therapy and my therapist more than I would like.

I'm at the point where I think I need a roadmap or some guidance to figure out where to go next. And I'm not sure I am getting that from T. So, once again, I am at the point of trying to decide whether to quit therapy completely, try a new T with more experience in CSA or stick with it with current T for a while longer. And yes I will talk about this with her - it seems like we have been over the issues before.

I particularly dislike how one week can be good and the next not so good. By good - I don't necessarily mean that I "feel" good after a session, but that we connected - even if the conversation was difficult.


  1. I think your good stuff is great! My first couple of therapists didn't specialize. I respected them and liked them. They helped me a lot in the beginning of my journey. But it seemed that I could only go so far with them. Whether that was me or not I'm not sure.

    The t I see now specializes in CSA. I have to admit the therapy is tougher as we go deeper but it has been worth it.

    It can be difficult to know what to do and to know what is best for yourself.

    Take care and wishing you the best.

  2. Thanks inamaze for your comments and support. With your current specializing in CSA, do you have any sort of treatment plan or goals? How do you approach the sessions? If you don't want to share in a public space, feel free to email me at

    Thanks again.

  3. I'm terrible at dealing with change and making decisions. This must be very difficult for you, especially since you like your t. Sigh.