Thursday, May 13, 2010

Therapy update

After writing the last post about my anniversary date, I also spent time reading all my previous entries in my private journal. This was about 60 entries over a year and a half time span, many written in conjunction with reading "Courage To Heal". I was struck by what has been almost a roller coaster ride - the doubts I expressed in the last post about continuing with therapy were played out several times over the past two years.

So - I went in poised to express this thought about quitting and/or changing. One thing that has become clear to me is that I have changed in this time frame. Although it was awkward and embarrassing at times to express my unhappiness with lack of progress and her lack of feedback, I was able to talk about it and put it all on the table. I'm not sure I could have done that early in therapy. I admitted that I don't think I am done with therapy - I still realize that I am a "closed" and "cautious" person who holds feelings tight (if experienced at all). I admitted that I need to deal with being able to express my feelings, BUT that she needed to figure out the way to get me to talk about feelings. I'm not being resistant on purpose - it's just a difficult process.

So - I will stay on for at least awhile longer. I still have some doubts as to whether she can help me go any further with processing the abuse. I'm not sure I know what I need in that respect. But she does listen and I can talk to her. Perhaps she can help with the effects of the abuse.


  1. It certainly is difficult but it's great that you admitted to your T that you need help to express your feelings. Hopefully your T can help you do that.

    I tried reading the book 'Courage to Heal' but just couldn't do it. I ended up giving it away. I think at the time it was too much, too soon. If I try to read it again it will certainly be in smaller chunks. Take care...

  2. Great that you were able to talk to her about these issues in your therapy. I like that you told her that she needs to figure out a way to help you talk about your feelings. What was her response? Was it positive?

    How do you think things will change after this?

  3. inamaze - although I made it through Courage to Heal and most of the workbook - I think a lot of it was just reading and not feeling/experiencing it. I remember a line from one of the sections about if you reading this quickly - it's like remembering the abuse without the feelings.

    Harriet - I'm not sure how things will progress from here - I'm hoping I will feel freer to talk about feelings - I don't remember her exact response to my "demand" that she figure out a way to help me talk about feelings - but it was positive. She suggested that in addition to bringing in what I am reading (not much these days about abuse) that I bring in my reactions to the reading - that is where the work will take place.

    I hate confrontations - and this wasn't a negative encounter - but I did like that I was able to express everything I had on my mind.

  4. I wanted to say that I thought you were very brave to lay it out on the table like that. It definitely took a ton of courage - way to go!

  5. Thanks Sanity - it didn't seem like a big deal at the time - that is one way I know that I have gained something from therapy - the courage to do this.

    Hope you are well.