Disbelief

I haven't been online for a week or so. Last week was busy and this week -

my mother died unexpectantly.

She didn't answer her door, my brother and I were contacted. My daughter and I were out her way shopping - I was on vacation this week. So we stopped by her house to check since I have a key. My brother had called the police who arrived at the same time. They asked "do you want us to check the house"?. Of course not - she would be so embarrassed to have you find her in some compromised position (I think the latter). So I went first. And found her. Dead on the floor of her bedroom. Looks like she had fallen during the night - not sure if she hit her head or had internal bleeding.

Despite the fact that I've seen a lot of dead bodies in my job, seeing your mother in her house is a bit surreal. My daughter (16) was a real trooper.

The services are today. Afterwards I drive my daughter to camp (six hours away). Then I will start processing next week as I go back to work.

Going through pictures for the service has been interesting - I've come across a few of my abuser. Perhaps I will give them to my T to keep.

Memories

I was talking with T about memories last night. I have very few specific memories of my abuse. Not surprising - I was young when it started. I've read that visual memories might be few due to abuse taking place in the dark. I've also read enough about memory to know that what I do remember as specific incidences could likely be amalgamations of different times.

We've talked about these 4 or 5 incidents more than once, although perhaps we haven't talked through all of the feelings.

I think it would be helpful to remember more, but I really don't see that happening. And for me, it's become easy for me to talk about the memories without feeling anything. It's hard when the story is repeated back to me - I feel it then.

I thought EMDR might be a place to access more of my memories and/or feelings - but that has been postponed for now.

Although I know I've accomplished things in therapy the last two years, it's amazing how the same things circle around over and over again.

Favorite Movie

I have a hard time coming up with an all time favorite movie - it depends on the mood etc.

One favorite recently watched again with the kids is The Princess Bride. Also love the book. So many fun quotes - my 10 year old goes around saying "anybody want a peanut". Actually that gets old after awhile :) One quote that I repeat often "Life isn't fair, but it's fairer than death".

Although sappy - I've watched You've Got Mail more times than I should. Meg Ryan is this cute little thing (yea I'd like to look like that) and the books and the dog - I do get teary eyed when I watch that one every few years.

And Colin Firth - I would probably watch him in commercials.