I think I am still angry for everything that happened that she didn't stop at the time and swept under the rug after the fact. Angry that I can't confront her with it anymore. And sad - for the fact that I wasn't mothered in so many ways.
But - I am doing OK :) Tried to talk about some of this in therapy last night, but it's tough to express the emotions. I'm pretty sure my therapist doesn't realize how deeply I feel some things because my outward demeanor is so controlled.
Yes, it will be very different. It's good that you recognize your anger and sadness, maybe that is the first step towards working through it. Why is it hard to express emotions in therapy? I have the same problem. I feel them very strongly the rest of the time! Do you write to your t, or show her your blog or your journals?
ReplyDeleteHi Harriet -
ReplyDeleteI occasionally will take a journal entry into T to leave with her, but no - we have no contact between sessions. It's funny - after last week's session where we talked about the upcoming week - my thought was that a call from her would make me feel so much better, I think - just hearing her voice. But she is off next week so we will miss our session. Likely that I have anger towards her too at the moment.
OLJ
These are difficult times, all those "firsts" without your mother. I hope you're taking some time to honour you, as well as your Mom.
ReplyDeleteI never cease to be amazed by the degree to which my therapist seems to understand how I feel, and how deeply I feel, even when I can't express it myself. Perhaps yours knows, too?
Kerro - That's a nice thought - right now I'm not feeling that generous towards her :)) I'm trying to think of all the funny movies I might watch this weekend to occupy my mind.
ReplyDeleteOLJ
HI OLJ - I found your blog to be very refreshing and wanted to tell you how thankful I am that you have had the courage to write so honestly. I am 15 months into therapy and have found the journey to be amazing. You gave me the initiative to start my own blog today - thanks so much.
ReplyDeleteAmy
That is a lot of stuff to be dealing with. The emotions themselves are hard enough to work through. I have that control thing as well. I think that's one of the reason's my T thinks I'm doing so well. I am thinking of you today and I hope your week goes alright with all that is going on.
ReplyDeleteTakethatbaby - I'm glad you have connected with some blogs that you find useful to your own journey. I really don't post all that often anymore - I'm at the point of thinking things through myself a lot and (GASP) - talking them over with my T :)) I wish you well.
ReplyDeleteLost - You know I had a couple of bad days last week - I think I was processing the anger - the actual day of my mom's bd was fine - I spent much of the day cleaning my house. Thanks for your thoughts.
OLJ
Holidays can be so very hard. Whether they are filled with yearning, regret or anything in between, the "firsts" without someone can be traumatic. Make sure you take good care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteThanks Dr. Deb - we plan on doing some family things. I do wish I would have asked my T to leave me a voicemail - something to connect us during the interval.
ReplyDeleteHave a good holiday yourself.
OLJ