I am angry! I am angry at my therapist and my mother and my past. I think this is a good thing, although I don't feel good about it in the present. I think it is good because I am at least feeling feelings and attempting to work through them.
So - after talking with my mother, she called back yesterday to let me know how horrible her life has been, etc. It's the same as usual. Alhough I know she is sorry for what happened to me in the past, it has now become about her and how little she is sleeping and how she could kill herself, etc. This of course makes me feel awful. I would feel awful if she actually did harm herself. But I also feel awful because I really don't care right now. She laid a lot of things out for me and I am trying to deal with it. I can't deal with her at the same time.
Now for my therapist - I journalled about everything my mother told me and how I felt. It was raw and painful. I wanted to email it to her so she could read it ahead of time. I am really afraid I will go in next week and clam up and not want to talk about it. Plus some of it is SO awkward to talk about. So I left a voicemail for her asking if there was some way I could email it to her - that I wasn't worried about privacy issues since she lives alone. She could print it off and delete it.
She doesn't work Thursday or Friday and I left this voicemail early yesterday. She called me back this afternoon and left a message on my phone. Basically that she thinks I need to print them out and bring them in at my usual time and we can talk about it in the moment and talk about the awkwardness. That email really didn't work for her. That really pissed me off - to the point of wanting to cancel my appointment next week and perhaps forever. Childish I know. I thought -
1) she doesn't want to have to think about this awful stuff outside the office
2) I am angry that I couldn't vent to her - she is one of three people who know my history and she knows the most. I called one of my friends and her child was home sick and she couldn't talk and I had no time alone with my husband.
3) I am angry that she doesn't work on Thursday and Friday - again silly. She called me back from her house. I was tempted to call her back at home. She's never given me her number, but it comes up on caller ID. I hate going through her receptionist, leaving a voicemail and waiting for her to call back.
4) I don't abuse the above - I think now I have called her 4 times in a year and a half outside of appointment changes (which are also not frequent). We have talked about my bringing this up with my mother to see what she would disclose. Unfortunately - I didn't time it on Monday night before my Tuesday appointment.
Having ranted about all of the above, I know that part of my anger is related to her not being there in the same way that my mother wasn't there for me when I was young and isn't there for me now. That doesn't make it easier to deal with. I rarely lean on others for support - now I want to and she is not available.
For the record - I left her another voicemail to tell her that I was angry. Now I am embarassed that I did that, but in the long run, probably not a bad thing.