This post may not be coherent because my thinking is muddled about this. I've been thinking about disclosure a lot. I've been running down my list of friends - long term and shorter term - trying to decide which, if any, I might talk to about my past. The fact that I am spending time (aka ruminating about) with this tells me I will take the plunge soon. It's something I am working up to - like I worked up to -
- going to a therapist
- telling my therapist about my abuse
- telling my husband about my abuse
- asking my mother about my abuse
- telling one friend about my abuse (a safe one, that I don't see in person because she lives 3000 miles away, have known since college and who already suspected something)
I am stuck with feeling that if I tell a friend, I will feel like I've been a fraud all these years. I feel that my friends will view me differently. Which tells me that I still defining myself by what happened to me when I was a child. I am realizing that my thought process and reactions WERE formed during childhood - the circuits were laid down aberrantly. There are times when I've been sitting with a friend, chatting about this or that, when I've considered putting it out there. But I haven't. My T tells me that it will happen when I am ready. Seems like such a pat answer, but perhaps there is truth in it. I keep thinking about one friend who told me she couldn't deal with someone because there was "too much drama in her life" and she was "too high maintenance". The woman she is referring to went through a nasty divorce from someone with mental illness, has three children and is trying to make a go of it. My feeling is she deserves to be "high maintenance", but I don't want to become that person.
Perhaps part of my issue is the people I have shared with - at least hubby and mother - haven't persued it. My mother I can understand - she is self centered and it is a relief for her to have it out in the open and now she is done with it. My husband is more complicated - I have considered the following -
- he doesn't talk about it because he finds it awkward (the one time I brought it up he said he thought it was creepy)
- he doesn't talk about it because it hasn't changed how he thinks about me - I'm still the person he married and loves
- he doesn't talk about it because it has changed his thinking of me
I still am left with that fact that I withheld this information about myself from him for 25 years. It feels like I have cheated him.
So I am left with my muddled thinking. After a bizarre therapy session last night.