Therapy, thus far

So after a particularly bad session (you know the the type - nothing to say - staring at each other in awkward silence) this week, I've been evaluating what has been accomplished thus far in nearly two years.

The good -

1) I've disclosed everything I remember about my abuse.

2) I've told T, my husband and I've put it here.

3) I've broached the subject with my mother and learned a few more things.

4) I think I feel more secure in my parenting skills.

5) I don't think about the abuse nearly as much as I used to.

The bad -

1) My relationship with my husband is not what it was - it is more distant without much intimacy (physical and emotional).

2) My relationship with my mother is not what is was - I can barely stand to talk with her. She is now depressed again and somehow I feel guilty for this.

3) Instead of thinking about the abuse, I now think about therapy and my therapist more than I would like.

I'm at the point where I think I need a roadmap or some guidance to figure out where to go next. And I'm not sure I am getting that from T. So, once again, I am at the point of trying to decide whether to quit therapy completely, try a new T with more experience in CSA or stick with it with current T for a while longer. And yes I will talk about this with her - it seems like we have been over the issues before.

I particularly dislike how one week can be good and the next not so good. By good - I don't necessarily mean that I "feel" good after a session, but that we connected - even if the conversation was difficult.

Treatment plans

After a dissatisfying session this week, particularly because I am wondering where we are headed in therapy, I'm left wondering about treatment plans and goals. I've read a lot about how therapy is supposed to work - you go in and talk about what is bothering you and decide on a plan for working out the issues. Most that I've read indicate there should be goals with a treatment plan and a timeframe.

I don't have that at all and at times I feel like we are aimlessly wondering along. Despite what my T says about nothing being pointless and we'll go where things take us. So that leads me to ask - do any of you have well defined issues, goals and treatment plans?

Perhaps my lack of these is due to the "type" of therapist I have. I'm not even sure about that - I think psychodynamic.

An aha moment

Man I am an epic fail at this blogging thing - my last post was December 21. I haven't been writing in my private journal either. Perhaps my T is right - I am in avoidance mode now.

At any rate - I've been thinking a lot about issues related to trust and power lately. I've had some conflict lately with my teen daughter over studying, grades, etc. She is so much more self confident than I was at her age (perhaps even now in some areas) almost to the point of being defiant. Thinking about it this weekend, I thought that her defiance (which is really individualization) is triggering for me. And I wondered if that is because I am angry at my own "inner child" for not being more defiant and standing up to the abuse. Now, I am not big on "inner child" work - probably because it involves feelings. I've also never thought that I blamed myself in the past - but maybe I am on some level. Having a strong confident daughter has brought that out in me.

Food for therapy today.

Oh - and things are much better with the daughter now - she's one of those get it out in a dramatic way and then move on. I'm the ruminator who dwells on the same things over and over. It was good to hear what she was feeling and clear the air.

OLJ