I haven't felt grief yet - except a bit on the day we found her. I suppose that will be wrapped into ongoing therapy.
She was somewhere between a pack rat and hoarder, so cleaning out her house will be a job. So far, I've found a few things -
1- A handwritten document in her handwriting written in 1968 summarizing my visit to the ER. This was when she took me to document the abuse (to be used in her divorce proceedings). This visit is one of my few memories. The last line reads "have arranged for psychiatric care". I don't remember this at all - surely I would remember if I saw a therapist for any length of time? She was not educated and many words are misspelled, but the essence is there. The frustrating part is that this thin slip of aged paper was found midst old cards and letters, bills (new and old). I want to tear her house apart looking for more.
2- Pictures - of my abuser - some with me. Ugh.
Wow, so many memories. My mother is a "saver" too, which annoys me now, but maybe I'll appreciate it after she is gone?
ReplyDeleteThis is all very tough stuff. My mother is a hoarder as well. She will not let me do anything in her house. I understand how it is when you find pictures of yourself with your abuse. Ugh is right.
ReplyDeleteHow difficult OLJ! I cannot even guess how that must have felt to see the picture or read about something you have no recollection of.
ReplyDeleteHarriet - not sure whether you will appreciate the saving or not. Depends on what you want to find. Right now it is a pain in the a$$. I don't want to hire someone to come in and clean the house out. Mainly because there may be more "clues". But the time involved is amazing.
ReplyDeleteInamaze - I'm sorry you mother shares the hoarding feature. It's probably easier to go through it after they've passed as most of the stuff will not have sentimental value to you. Ugh is right.
Sanity - interesting in that it wasn't as difficult as it should have been. I took it into therapy and I think my therapist was more affected by it than me. I did remember the ER visit, so in that respect it was nice that the memory was validated. My thought about psychiatric treatment at the time is that it didn't happen. It was likely recommended but my mother must not have followed through. And I hope you are doing well - I haven't stopped by your blog lately - I've been a sporadic reader of blogs of late.
OLJ