Christmas Eve ruminations - possibly triggering

So I couldn't sleep on Christmas Eve - should have taken an Ambien. Thoughts swirling around - making haikus and other thoughts - should have gotten up to write them down in the fresh state. Jotted down what I could remember the next morning.

Night falls, listening,
Fearful, waiting, barely breathing
Darkness, take my hand.

Decades locked inside
Little girl, shamed to silence
Please come out to play.

How much time is needed
To heal the wounds
Of a life unlived?


Violation, pain
Hope stolen, innocence lost
Trauma scars the core

I'm thinking that I'm taking a new step in therapy - I actually want to talk about these with my T. I usually bristle when she brings up the previous haikus. Perhaps it is time to let the little girl out.

Blog recap

I recently read all of my private online journal - searching for some dates to talk something over with T (actually more to prove a point). Yesterday I read the whole of this blog with comments - not that long as I'm not prolific. Interesting process to see where I've been and how many things get repeated over and over. I do think I've grown some over the years, but realize I have a long way to go before - what? Not sure if it's acceptance of who I am and where I've been. Realization that my past has shaped me into who I am today, but that with work, I can change my image of myself. Sometimes I wonder if I will be satisfied with a different outlook - do we become too comfortable with the person we are? Is change too scary?

Musings before the new year.

The Story

So in order to battle some melancholy, I've started walking. This weekend "The Story" by Brandi Carlile came up in my random playlist. I've always liked this song and her raw voice. I've been dealing with some issues in the therapist relationship and the song made me think of my T and where I am in our relationship (I substituted "I depend on you" for "I was made for you").

All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been

And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything

When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true.... I depend on you

I climbed across the mountaintops

Swam all across the ocean blue

I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules

But I broke them all for you

Because even when I was flat broke

You made me feel like a million bucks

You do.....I depend on you

You see the smile that's on my mouth

It's hiding the words that don't come out

And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed

They don't know my head is a mess

No they don't know who I really am

And they don't know what I've been through

Like you do..... I depend on you

All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been

And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything

When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true.... I depend on you

Well maybe the second paragraph doesn't resonate so much in the T relationship, but the others certainly do. If I was more technologically competent, I could insert a youtube link to the song, but alas, I am not.