Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas Eve ruminations - possibly triggering

So I couldn't sleep on Christmas Eve - should have taken an Ambien. Thoughts swirling around - making haikus and other thoughts - should have gotten up to write them down in the fresh state. Jotted down what I could remember the next morning.

Night falls, listening,
Fearful, waiting, barely breathing
Darkness, take my hand.

Decades locked inside
Little girl, shamed to silence
Please come out to play.

How much time is needed
To heal the wounds
Of a life unlived?

Violation, pain
Hope stolen, innocence lost
Trauma scars the core

I'm thinking that I'm taking a new step in therapy - I actually want to talk about these with my T. I usually bristle when she brings up the previous haikus. Perhaps it is time to let the little girl out.


  1. Oh dear one this will be certainly a big step for you. Here backing you up 100% whatever you decide. Thank you for sharing. Blessings.

  2. Definitely a huge step. I'm also here with you. Please go slowly and take it gently.

    FWIW - I like the haikus. Very powerful.

  3. Those are very powerful. I hope you can share with your t.

  4. Wow...three simple lines but packed with so much meaning. Not only a new step but as Kerro says a huge one. I hope that you will be able to talk about what you need to. This is really tough stuff.

  5. Thanks to all for the kind words and support. I may not be able to ask for the support, but I definitely need it. Last night was very very hard (and we didn't even get to the haikus). Everything is so raw and I certainly feel worse at this point. I did leave the haikus with her, with the understanding we will talk about them. It's so easy to detach from them though - it can be hard to access the feelings that went into writing them.

    Lost - which three lines are you referring to?

    I did tell my T last night that I think I'm a little OCD with these thoughts - I'm always trying to frame them into the 5-7-5 haiku format.

  6. If you feel ready and safe, then go for it.

  7. We have gone ahead and starting talking more about the little girl and these feelings. Some of this I think is triggered by my mother's death and this being the first holiday without her. It's tough stuff - I've alternated my strong exterior with being somewhat of an emotional wreck.