Saturday, February 12, 2011

Quick follow up to EMDR/Bill Zeller

So I have been off the internet for a few weeks and had missed the story and posts about Bill Zeller. How how sad. I read his note in its entirety yesterday, and was struck that some of the phrases are nearly identical to some I've spoken to my T. I am struck by how similar the effects of early childhood abuse are across the board. The responses are different though and I also wonder about that. I have never considered self injury - what makes us different in that respect? Perhaps because my memories are few and the visions are fleeting? So so sad. It does make me hope that someday I can be an advocate for kids speaking out earlier. Without the feelings locked inside for 23 or 40 years.

EMDR - had the first session. It was disappointing. I felt like a failure. I'm not sure I was able to relax into it. The therapist wasn't disappointed though - she found my response "interesting" - something she has seen a few times, but not often. My present day response to EMDR was apparently paralleling my past. We will have another go at it at the end of the week. And I see my T between. I've been resisting the urge to call her to confess my failure.

One last thing - sometimes it is amazing to me how the littlest of comments can set off a tidal wave of thoughts. I was out last night with a friend and two of her friends. One was talking about the movie Blue Valentine. She made the comment - "She had an abusive childhood and wasn't really able to have a real relationship. You know - she couldn't get close to someone." Wow... when you're least expecting it, out of the blue it comes.


  1. I didn't know you could fail at EMDR. Is that true, or is that your distorted thinking? It's good to be interesting, right? It makes you special! I hope it goes well with your t this week and with your next session of EMDR. Do you use the buzzers? Do you have to close your eyes?

  2. Harriet -
    We started with the light bar, but my dry eyes precluded that. We then moved to auditory - earphones with bilateral sounds. I did close my eyes at that point, thought it would help me relax into it more.

    As for whether you can fail - I think that you have to be able to relax into the process and for those of us who find it difficult to relax, that can be hard. I was disappointed because I didn't have a "breakthrough". As I said though, the therapist wasn't disappointed.

    Therapy with my main T has been going fairly well - much of the time I am able to be open with my feelings.

    Hope you are well,

  3. I'm not an expert at EMDR but I wouldn't think you were a failure at it. I also think the experience would be somewhat unique for each person.

    I think relaxing in itself is work!

    I hope you will be patient with yourself. I think you are doing really good and hard work

  4. Yea - thinking I was a failure was my own warped thinking. I was expecting too much, I think.

  5. Interesting how you experienced things. I look forward to reading more of your posts about this.

  6. Dr. Deb
    My reply comment to you turned into a post. I'm not going to post specific details at this point. If you have a specific question, feel free to email me.