Thursday, May 14, 2009


Been following the comments on The Same Sky regarding An Unconventional Therapy. Talking about boundaries of the therapist and pushing against boundaries. I've been giving thought about what boundaries I would like to violate :) I really want to know my therapist better. I want to know what she does for hobbies, whether she is a stay at home person or goes out to socialize. I want to know what she does on vacation. I feel as if she likes me, but I seem to want to know more about her than I care to know about most of my friends. Is this normal?

I've also had a hard time accepting the fact that we are NOT friends. The therapy relationship is so unusual. Part of my pathology is feeling inferior to others and having this one sided relationship feeds into this feeling. I feel like I am not accepted as an equal. Do others feel this way?

I also like to hear her voice. I called once after a particularly tough session where I shared what I remembered about the abuse. She called back and left a nice message. I listened to it over and over. Anyone else feel like this?

This is tough work.


  1. Hi - just found your blog via The Same Sky. I can't wait to read your posts, I write a lot about my therapy too.

    I know the feelings you're having about wanting to know your therapist better. I had some issues with my son's therapist, who we haven't seen in a year and a half, but I got obsessive about him.

    Now I'm obsessing about NOT doing that with my current t - I'm terrified the same thing is going to happen.

    I still have a voice mail on my cell phone from my son's therapist - it's 18 months old or so. You're not alone!

  2. Hi Harriet - Thanks for stopping by :) As you can see, I am new to this. I started this blog as a way to get things out of my mind. So it's just free flowing thoughts. It is helpful to connect with those out there who have been there or are there now.

    I will check out your blog in more detail.

    Take care.

  3. Hi, OLJ -

    Ahhh, yes! Been there, done that. I tend to obsess and fantasize about my therapist . . . not sexually, but wanting him to be there when I'm really struggling, wanting him to hold me tight, creating a warm nest for me.

    I really want him to like me, to approve of me . . and I'm devastated when he shows any disapproval . . . and yes, I save voice messages . . .

    I'd just die if he knew, LOL.

    - Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)

  4. Oh - I can relate to all of this! I have an insane wish to know everything there is to know about my T (and at the same time am terrified of it!) I am still TOTALLY angry that I can't be 'friends' with her too - still working this one through. I think it is normal! (I hope so!)

  5. It's great to hear all these people who save voice messages... my phone will only save them for 14 days, even if I archive, so I'm thinking of getting a new phone...

    I wrote several blog posts about dealing with a really intense obsession I had with my first therapist. It got so out of control that I could not keep seeing him. I would be embarassed to say here how bad things got, but you can read it in my blog if you want (the keywords on the side for those would be obsession).

    I have a female therapist now, and I love her. Like you, I would love to be her friend and I completely know what you mean about it feeding into your insecurities... it is a strange kind of relationship, the give and take is so different from other relationships. It's hard to remember that it is a business relationship and not a friendship.

    I'm going to add this to my list of blogs that I check daily. Glad I found you :-)

  6. Marie - Funny - I told my therapist that I relistened to the one message over and over. She thought that was understandable given my anxiety over sharing abuse issues. But you're right - it is embarassing to feel so dependent.

    Thesamesky - I'm hoping this "obsession" wanes with time :) It already waxes and wanes. We do belong to some of the same places and may run into each other outside the office.

    Shen - Glad you found me too! I will check out your blog. I log in a few times/week. I'm glad you have found a great therapist. It is a weird relationship.


  7. This is really difficult. Now try seeing the same therapist for 15 years and then you actually do end up knowing quite a bit about them. The boundaries are there because they're supposed to let you not worry about the therapist's reaction to what you say. In practice I'm not sure it works as well as they say.

    My current therapist, not the one I saw for 15 years, is very open about who she is and this is helpful to me. I see us as more equals. But I will say that generally the therapist will only share when he/she feels you are able to deal with it. Since I've been doing therapy for so long, I know what the pitfalls are.

    It's not easy, that's for sure.


  8. Paul -
    It's interesting - T recently told me that she shares more with me than others, because I seem to need to know. I thought that was an odd statement. I do think it helps to be more on an equal place, although we're really not. Maybe it is more about building up trust and feelings that I can carry over to relationships outside of sessions.

    Take care.

  9. Hi,

    I am glad that you have gotten some good responses already. But I can still say this can be a pretty normal part of therapy, where the therapist becomes the place where you put all your unhealed and unmet stuff. And that is a powerful emotional thing.

    I have not really had a lot of issues with this. But I have never really had a therapist that was a good fit. If I ever find one that is, I am concered about how much that will stir up.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.