Friday, May 8, 2009


I am really struggling right now with all aspects of the healing process -

1) Telling others - Most of the books I have read recommend finding someone to share the healing journey. I am having a hard time imagining this. I have told my husband, but we haven't talked about it since. I'm not sure I will share more with him. As I talk to friends, the possibility of telling is always there. But I don't and I'm not sure I will. It's hard enough to talk with T. Right now, putting it down on paper (or computer screen) is the best I can do.

2) Memories - Parts of me want to remember more and yet I am afraid to remember. Again, from what I've read, it seems like survivors remember bits and pieces as they go through the process. I have a set memory (I remember parts of three or four experiences but given the time span know there must be more) and more hasn't come. I do have olfactory memories. I smell cigarette smoke (usually when reading in bed at night) even though no one has smoked in my house. It takes my breath away. The smell of sweat and cheap beer set me off.

3) Inner child - So much is written about the inner child and finding the inner child and being kind to that child. I suspect that inner child is the same as my private personna in my previous post. I'm pretty sure I don't like that kid.

4) Therapy - Although I have GREAT sessions in my head with T, I clam up in person. That drives me crazy. I'm hoping I can talk her into at least receiving emails. I don't mind typing and once you push the send button, you can't take it back. And I don't expect her to spend time writing back. Just reading them and bringing them out in session.

5) Pervasive thoughts - Even though I've decided to cut back on some of my reading, "it" is there all the time. I've thought about charting the number of times I think about the abuse, my reading, my T during the day. That would be hard because it seems to be there all the time.


  1. I have just found your blog and have to say wow...this could be me that you are writing about. I can relate to all of the points that you have written.

    Interesting about the cigarette smoke. I also smell smoke at times. Sometimes so strong it chokes me.

    Thank you for writing about your journey as tough as it is.


  2. Michelle,
    Thanks for posting a comment. I started this blog as a therapy tool. Since I only talk about my past with my T, I needed a place to vent. A reward is finding other people with similar stories - perhaps not necessarily about the abuse - but in dealing with therapy in general.

    As for the smoke - yes sometimes it chokes me also. And I always thought it was normal to feel like you are suffocating in a smoke filled room - but I think I feel it more than some.

    Anyway - thanks again. I haven't posted for awhile due to busyness at work and with kids, but I have a few ideas floating around.


  3. I have a couple of suggestions.

    1. Telling others. Since this is all new to you, you said 1 year, I would stick to your husband and explore that a bit. You said you've now not talked with him more about it. If you trust him, this is something you might want to explore.

    2. Memories. People struggle with this for, well, forever. This is not an easy solution. Your body will remember on it's own terms and timeframe. It's always a good idea to not force anything.

    3. Inner Child. This is a term I'm not particularly fond of. Sure, it's helpful to understand abuse in terms of what it did to the child, but I tend to try to stay in the present as much as I can. Others will disagree.

    4. Therapy. If you are having trouble in therapy, try writing things down and taking with you a todo list.

    5. Pervasive Thoughts. This is where the grounding will come in handy. You have to learn ways to self-soothe and remind yourself that this is 2009. This is the nuts and bolts of therapy and healing. You really have no way around this.

    Hope this helps.


  4. Thanks Paul for the input. As for memories - I have come to a place where I am unsure any more will come. But then, I've sort of stopped my reading in order to avoid memories. Paradoxical.

    I agree with staying in the present, although I think I do need to spend some time working with that inner child. After all, she was the one abused and is now in lockdown somewhere. Early on in therapy - I had a pervasive feeling of sadness for that child and what she might have become in different circumstances. But then, like you, I come back to the present and am thankful for where I am now.

  5. Hi,

    I think you are making some good progress. I know it might not feel that way.

    I wanted to say that I think there is too much emphasis on telling others and confrontations of abusers in some survivor books. I think that those types of things are not always safe and a survivor is not always ready to do that. I would say tell your online friends, fellow bloggers, over friends you have known for decades. Once it is out there, it is out there forever. Support friends are more equipped to cope and to give you support and that is the whole point of interacting with other survivors; mutual support.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


  6. Kate -
    Thanks for your thoughts on this. I have to admit, one thing that is good about the online community is that one can find folks with similar tales, but it can be relatively anonymous unless I choose otherwise.

    Since writing this post, I have shared with one other friend F2F. Unfortunately she lives on the other side of the country and we both have busy lives so we don't have a lot of time to talk. And she is not great at the computer thing.

    I would not be able to confront my abuser as he is now deceased. I have toyed with the idea of talking with my mother about it as I am confident she was aware of the abuse when it was happening. She would either claim not to remember or find a way to make it about her, so I'm not likely to talk with her.

    For now - therapist and blogging have helped.